Every subculture sports its unspoken code of conduct and mommyhood is no exception
For those of you not in the cognescenti LISTEN UP!
1. Never, ever, ever, ever steal someones babysitter!
2. Do not ask anyone for their sitters number unless you are in a dire dire emergency requiring immediete hospitalization.
3. Do not diagnose other peoples children (even if they are diagnosable and their mother is also diagnosable.)
4. Do not breastfeed without modesty infront of your friends husbands. Whether or not you are receiving dairy farm subsidies from the government is irrelevant to a man. What you see as a future organic milk business he still sees as a gigantic HOOTER.
5. Do not get all needy when a mommy does not return your phone call immedietely. You know darn well why any mommy did not return your call! HELLO...EXHAUSTION!
6. Do not write thank you notes! Think how many horrible thank you writing nights mommy's could save if we could drop this tired victorian tradition-okay, this is not really on the list but I hate them and this is my only platform to spew my personal BS!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Mommy Food Pyramid
THE MOMMY FOOD PYRAMID
PIZZA-all mommy's should eat 5 servings of pizza a day
SWEDISH FISH-eating your colors especially neon ones is a very important part of the diet. Swedish Fish provide a healthy (gag me) rainbow assortment.
CHOCOLATE CANDY BARS WITH NUTS-We prefer the expensive boutique kind that burn a scary hole in your already empty wallet.
COCA COLA The real old fashioned sugary kind.
COFFEE This caffeinated blitz is an imperative for any mommy! Be sure to down at least 6 cups a day! With the big grains of brown sugar.
PIZZA-all mommy's should eat 5 servings of pizza a day
SWEDISH FISH-eating your colors especially neon ones is a very important part of the diet. Swedish Fish provide a healthy (gag me) rainbow assortment.
CHOCOLATE CANDY BARS WITH NUTS-We prefer the expensive boutique kind that burn a scary hole in your already empty wallet.
COCA COLA The real old fashioned sugary kind.
COFFEE This caffeinated blitz is an imperative for any mommy! Be sure to down at least 6 cups a day! With the big grains of brown sugar.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Working Hard
A modest (socially but not economically) mommy friend came over to our new house in the hood. As she graced our door flitting to her Honda chariot waiting to transport her magically back to her megamillion mansion she said..."We have worked really hard for everything we have." Well, I thought..." we have worked really hard for everything we don't have!" We are really proud of what we haven't accomplished and we have achieved so little economically all on our very own. All by ourselves we have selected to spend our intelligence and creativity just so. Isn't it a completely impressive waste of potential? We may set up our own little live museum of individuals who have topped out in graduate school. Do you think anyone would come to visit? Do you think we can make money? We sure could use it!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
This freakin happy kid
Shocking Truth! I am a mother to what appears to be one of the happiest little elfs on the block. Granted since he is only 2 so we don't realllllly have any clue what awaits us. Alas this is not boasting as there is no one, including yours truly nuerotic, that can fathom how I birthed this undiscovered, serene, mini incarnation of the Dalai Pajama. Even my closest friends exclaim lil snide remarks ..."How can it possibly be these children are YOURS?" They act as if the ZEN karma of the cosmos have been tossed assunder and that poetic justice has failed when they see myself pure chaos and disorder in the company of lil misters grace and perfection. Finally, yesterday it hit me. The kids are sooo freakin happy because they have a lil brother support group... AGAINST ME!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Diagnosable Mom Group
Deep thought has lead me to one conclusion... my absolute gating mechanism for mommy friends is they need to be totally diagnosable. If not, they bore me to death. All you completely sane girls (you know who you are!) kindly step aside. I have special affection for totally insane ones that have no clue their reality takes a left from planet earth.
The following are sought for a new mommy group meeting on TwoHeadedMommy.
Obsessive Compulsive Mommy Disorder
I especially love mommy's with OCMD. Life with kids can be totally chaotic so a really predictable mommy that runs like a Swiss clock is a strong bonus for the group
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Mommy Disorder
ADHMD mommies are an electric contribution to any mommy group. They are the disco ball in the Pottery Barn reality of mommyhood. They also come in handy with any Y chromosome kids in your pack. Let the ADHMD's do the chasing while you nurse your soy latte.
Multiple Mommy Personality Disorder
Given the limited time mommy has to socialize multiple personalities is an extremely efficient answer to diversifying any time crunched mommy's social group. Think about the economics...one number to track, one email, less kids to watch but the fun of many friends. Multiple Personalities is any intelligent mommies choice!
Addictive Personality Mommy Disorder
As many mommies are too exhausted to actually run any spreadsheets on their relationships it is excellent to have some of these mommies around. Once you get them hooked on giving you their sitters, maids, freebies you are set up with resources for life. Before they get into Mommy Rehab anyway. Then they need to cut out all the mommy enablers in their life. Boo Hoo!
Hypochondriac Mommy Disorder
These mommy's are invaluable as anytime you wonder if you need to take junior to the Pediatric MD (throat clearing) money vacuum. As on cue they are always willing to support your nuerosis. This perfection embodied a doppelganger mommy in dark irrational thoughts regarding juniors unexpected cough. Definitely keep this ones number.
Co-Dependent Mommy Disorder
This one is so perfect it defies the need for explanation. It is pristine in its mathmatical purity-she wants to bit%6 about so and so you want to B*4cH about this that...PERFECT!
Finally, we love mommy's with any disorder but frankly if you are totally everyday normal mommy with a perfect past TwoHeadedMommy will probably find you insanely boring.
Go get diagnosed girlfriend so we can hangout and have some fun :) !
The following are sought for a new mommy group meeting on TwoHeadedMommy.
Obsessive Compulsive Mommy Disorder
I especially love mommy's with OCMD. Life with kids can be totally chaotic so a really predictable mommy that runs like a Swiss clock is a strong bonus for the group
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Mommy Disorder
ADHMD mommies are an electric contribution to any mommy group. They are the disco ball in the Pottery Barn reality of mommyhood. They also come in handy with any Y chromosome kids in your pack. Let the ADHMD's do the chasing while you nurse your soy latte.
Multiple Mommy Personality Disorder
Given the limited time mommy has to socialize multiple personalities is an extremely efficient answer to diversifying any time crunched mommy's social group. Think about the economics...one number to track, one email, less kids to watch but the fun of many friends. Multiple Personalities is any intelligent mommies choice!
Addictive Personality Mommy Disorder
As many mommies are too exhausted to actually run any spreadsheets on their relationships it is excellent to have some of these mommies around. Once you get them hooked on giving you their sitters, maids, freebies you are set up with resources for life. Before they get into Mommy Rehab anyway. Then they need to cut out all the mommy enablers in their life. Boo Hoo!
Hypochondriac Mommy Disorder
These mommy's are invaluable as anytime you wonder if you need to take junior to the Pediatric MD (throat clearing) money vacuum. As on cue they are always willing to support your nuerosis. This perfection embodied a doppelganger mommy in dark irrational thoughts regarding juniors unexpected cough. Definitely keep this ones number.
Co-Dependent Mommy Disorder
This one is so perfect it defies the need for explanation. It is pristine in its mathmatical purity-she wants to bit%6 about so and so you want to B*4cH about this that...PERFECT!
Finally, we love mommy's with any disorder but frankly if you are totally everyday normal mommy with a perfect past TwoHeadedMommy will probably find you insanely boring.
Go get diagnosed girlfriend so we can hangout and have some fun :) !
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Civic Perspiration oops Inspiration
I sadly do not often think of myself as civic minded. Alas, I am thrilled to have completed my first and possibly last volunteer deed this year. I actually cut my hair and donated the excessive inches to charity for wigs...not my head hair girls...my armpit hair. I am thrilled to provide my sweaty lil partners a very meaningful second life. I wonder how the wiry lil dudes will enjoy their fabulous new life style in the public eye. The total glamour of being primped, blow dried and curled. I probably will not recognize them if I see them. On a higher level... I want to urge all you other hairy moms out there to stop feeling ashamed and take your lack of personal care to another level. Those armpit hairs can mean alot to someone.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Mommy Vomit Bag
Packing The Diaper Bag...
When packing ones camper van-I mean diaper bag please do not forget THE MOMMY VOMIT BAG. This is to protect you not from you or your child's regurgitated meal but the emotional vomit of the random mommy's you meet. It is important to carry the bags with you at all times as well as a few spares. Alas, you may get hit multiple times in a single day! So, if some random women you don't know sidles up with a toddler that has dilocated her mommy's shoulder hanging off her disconnected limb and begins to spew emotional vomit at you immedietely pull out the mommy vomit bag so that it covers her mouth completely. You are saving some poor, lonely desolate women total embarassment. She will not need to go home later and say as she once did after a one night stand (in another life) WHAT DID I DO?
When packing ones camper van-I mean diaper bag please do not forget THE MOMMY VOMIT BAG. This is to protect you not from you or your child's regurgitated meal but the emotional vomit of the random mommy's you meet. It is important to carry the bags with you at all times as well as a few spares. Alas, you may get hit multiple times in a single day! So, if some random women you don't know sidles up with a toddler that has dilocated her mommy's shoulder hanging off her disconnected limb and begins to spew emotional vomit at you immedietely pull out the mommy vomit bag so that it covers her mouth completely. You are saving some poor, lonely desolate women total embarassment. She will not need to go home later and say as she once did after a one night stand (in another life) WHAT DID I DO?
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