disorganizational consultant

I have finally heard my calling...
I am becoming a DISORGANIZATIONAL CONSULTANT I am so excited!

The business will be called...

COMPLETE CHAOS
instant disorganization!

Visualize it and it will happen..

I imagine myself arriving at my first clients. I am a complete chaotic mommy mess, hair a frenetic nest, breath of sewage, sporting stained, mismatched tattered clothes and -one broken stiletto and one old converse hightop-both from eras best forgotten. My unzipped handbag will be overflowing with wipes, diapers and half opened tampons. A muffin top will be bursting the dam of my jeans. My client... my fantasy doppelganger will be 10 years my junior and embody a living Ice Queen. Glacial, serene and a terrifying beauty she will be adorned in a cream custom tailored designer suit. Her dangerous glossy nails enveloped in a pristine french manicure and her hair will float in shiny golden sheeves. Ice Queen's smile will glare sparkling piano keys. Her pristine exterior will veil matching undergarments without holes. Her beige penthouse will peer out to an endless monotone frightening blue skies.

In my minds sleepy eye... in the background roll in dark thunder clouds, 3 tornados, a hurricane and a hail storm and a giant penthouse splashing tsunami wave as my adorable beeming trusty, crusty lil helpers- ages two and five storm Ice Queen's beige Penthouse. On their lil bodies hang tattered torn dirty Target duds. Their greasy locks assunder and their faces a collage of crusted boogers, dried goldfish and scary koolaid they will chant.

Your house is sweet,
we want a treat
at making disasters we will not be beat!
Go mess go!

Intensely ambitious my team of impossibly experienced and professionally accredited disorganizers-will immedietely begin work before Ice Queen even greets us. As I try to lounge on her couch, my feet carelessly staining her beige carpets my little men will begin tearing down her posh drapes, smashing her glass coffee table to bits and knocking priceless sculptures and luminscent vases onto her hardwood floors-stomping them to pieces to make sure all the glass is 100% shattered. Living plants will spill their foliage and dirt creating irreparable damage to valuable area rugs and then they will tirelessly sneeze snotty yellow goobers and finger paint them with great fine motor skills into rare rugs. They will pry open her Channel makeup and write I love you Ice Kween on the drapery in lipstick. They irrigate her laptop with coffee and hurl her precious iphone in the toilet-flushing til it overflows. Exhibiting super tot effort my lovely assistants will tilt over large bookshelves, creating a mini earthquake shaking the highrise and sending tenants fleeing.

Tireless, my disorganizers will not consider their job complete until they have pooped and peed in multiple locations-for an extra fee they will also vomit 2 days worth of pasta with marinara sauce-WITH MARINARA SAUCE, I SAID WITH MARINARA SAUCE onto expensive imported from France upholstery.

Ice Queen will begin to melt as life has never felt this supremely out of control. In one vibrant kinetic finale they will assault her- smashing open pricesless Cabernet as they do cartwheels from her pearl toned sofa to her mohair armchair.
The contents will spew like fireworks that stain. Kackling with glee the little tyrants will rip her tiffany diamonds from her lobes and hurl them into the heating vent. They will scratch her face with their dirty sharp nails and assault her porcelein skin with their tiny fangs. Alas, her hair a matted mess, her makeup smeared and running, desperately hungry and needing to pee she will say to the tiny terrors..."you are so sweet, come give me a hug...I love you so much!" Exhausted the the disorganizing team will curl up in her lap and she will smile serenly, a piece of yesterday's pizza hanging from her lips. Finally the adorable little cuties will slumber in peace. 2 boring hours later they will rouse and start all over again.

Ice Qcream will never be the same.