Daddy Cam

A friend is constantly complaining that she thinks her hubby is never actually engaging the kids when she leaves them alone. Walaa...the inspiration for my latest invention the daddy cam. Thats right forget the nanny cam and get yourself an omnipresent by BIG MOMMA IS WATCHING TECHNOLOGY first product THE DADDY CAM. Now available in stores for a limited time for $9.99. Now ladies you no longer need to stress to leave daddy alone with baby. View daddies as they work on the computer, watch major league football and take lengthy showers while baby adventures around the house, cries its eyes out and helps himself to food from the garbage. Everything you wish you didn't know right at your eyeballs. Buy it now while supplies last!

Why Two Headed Mommy

Today my friend asked TwoHeadedMommy why are you doing this?
My honest answer... I know my inner strengths. Finally, near #* I want to play to what I am truly good at. I have always been completely brilliant at offending people. Alas near crossing the mortal hump I see a blog as a great opportunity to offend people much more efficiently. Play to your skills! I feel great satisfaction knowing I am now completely focused on my personal gifts. I finally have a genuine sense of purpose. It is so meaningful.

TV Babysitter

The Holidays are here...YIPPY! YIKES! Our flesh and blood babysitter is on vacation. Alas, I have made good use of one of our very favorites, gold standard, modestly polite, thankfully constantly available... TV Babysitter. Granted the chatting box does not hold an intellectual candle to our usual Ivy league educated, daddy is a Medical Proffessor at Harvard babysitter. None the less it has provide mommy with a much needed break without concious eyes on her-you know seeing her chat with friends on the phone, languidly brewing sophistcated tees and booking highlight appointments-important stuff. The TV is totally indifferent and without any nuance of social judgement. Unfortunately, the darn chatterbox is exhibiting terrifying signs of conciousness-just yesterday I heard the thing talking with its other TV babysitter buddy on the cell phone saying it was going to demand a raise and more guranteed hours of employment and it was no longer going to do the dishes. My goodness... I am now tip toeing around my living room in a freakin effort to avoid the inevitable greedy mechanical box. If I knew it was going to ask for a raise so quickly I would not have used the thing so much! The nerve of some machines!

sex in the city sequel

There needs to be a sequel to Sex In The City...
No Sex In The Suburbs!

What a fun and thrilling show to watch? Basically, four used to be good looking women sporting muffin tops women sit around. One is a writer. Now instead of writing for a major rag she has a blog where she wastes her creativity for free. One is an attorney...she employs her free time trying to start class action suits against companies with hazardess home products, the third is the previous manager of a an upscale gallery. Now she holds critques of childrens artwork for the 3 and under category. Gee...Augey, that is an impressive use of the minimalist technique. I admire your restraint. Amazing for 19 months! Do we have a buyer? The third is a PR person and a sex addict which serves her well as all the other 3's hubbies are starved for sex.

Return for more episodes!

bragging rights

Someone in my family-I am no longer naming names in an effort to not embarass anyone who may happen to associate with me and does not want the public at large to know (yes, this is meant to be funny!) . Instead names will now be represented by characters. So my *%*- had a great a idea!

Why not a bumper sticker that reads instead of my child is an honors student at Old Broken Elm School...

Proud parent of a child at The State Prison.

mommy as a broken appliance

While she sweated on the no frills gym equipement a women I know $%^#* was getting all worked up about her sons fabulous summer camp. Basically, he got to bring a broken appliance with him and reconstruct it into something else. Brilliant no?

Gee mommy isn't it exciting we still cannot make toast but I did create a rocket that has shot my lil brother to the moon. Wonderful NO? 60 minutes will be here at 8 PM-now get in the shower!

It got me fantasizing-now girls, this is a hard core mom fantasy so hang on to your office desk-could he bring our whole brand spankin new totally falling apart house to camp? Including but not limited to the strangled drain on the dishwasher, the heater that does not function and the lamp in the kitchen that just is no longer feelin it? I could just imagine my poor five year old shleppin our 1910 bungalow down the tree lined street. Oh man my backpack is draggin today!

Better yet, could he bring his mommy? This folks is my mommy. She used to have a semi attractive face but now her eyes sport these darks circles and deep lines. She used to be able to multitask fabulously and now she just sits for hours in front of the TV. She used to be able to make homemade meals but now we only eat frozen burritos from Trader Joes. What else could we possibly make her into? I could see the whole class in a fabulous frenzy of begging raised hands- I know, I know, I know...

Any ideas?

sick lil one haikoo

sick newborn Haikoo...

learning how to swim
in the middle of the ocean
in a hurricane

antiECO

TwoHeadedMommy is a freelance designer. In reality this means I fill landfills more efficiently. Basically, I create very colorful and fun packaging for completely meaningless products for faceless retailers. My wish is that a poor , financially desperate mom will purchase a blinking light for a party balloon. My hope is that my whimsicial packaging will engage her and snap up her money before her toddler whacks some sense into her head! I fancy myself the living AntiECO! With earnesty I try to make sure more people, buy more crap and that more gas gets used flying it from Hookchinkapooka to Noplaceville in hopes that I can then buy my kids more disposable diapers. I personally like to lie in bed at night and reflect on how my little tiny destructive self centered actions are a part of the great Cosmic demise of our planet.

Help Design Fundraiser Tee

I am trying to design my preschooler's fundraiser tee. Please share your favorite or add some of your own ideas...

I look like a mom but I act like I am in highschool.
13 year old trapped in a Mommy Body.
My preschooler is more mature then me.
Nice person trapped in a mean person's body.

Can you imagine why I have been fired in my volunteer job as room parent?