Interviewing Mommy

Today I interviewed a new babysitter or shall I say... she interviewed me. I forgot that hiring a sitter is akin to dating. She arrived 10 minutes early and the house was a scary chaos-complete with a bra dangling from the stairs-no, I did not remove the bra mid stair-it only made it halfway down the stairs when I hurled it-50% closer to the laundry room. She walked in and blinked back and forth at me and at The giant flat screen with perfect doll like blue orbs and stated that she had a Vegan baked goods company and that she pursued when the stars felt properly aligned -for now, she could not bear to be seperated from little ones. She also said she did not believe in TV or Baby Einstein, as if they were religions. We also do not attend the church of Baby Einstein however when I am near my breaking point I do sometimes worship the TV in adoration.

I told her that I used to have an organic kids clothes business but now I have sold my soul to the devil and only sell clothes which are toxic in exchange for the opportunity to buy diapers and get the occasional highlight. The blue orbs blinked...I asked her if she minded cooking... she gazed terrified at the packaged precooked bacon in the neon packaging in the fridge. Yes the blue orbs seemed to imply but only Seaweed and Kimchi. Hmmmmm...she told me she had a few other families she was meeting and she was very busy but she would e-mail me...you know like a bad first date...don't call me I will call you.

I have to go potty!

No not baby-Me, while I am on the phone-this year I am trying my hardest not to go potty while chatting up my friends or some poor receptionist at the Drs office. Ugh...yes, on the 16th at errrrr.....8:30AM.

Oscar Night

Oscar night is so much simpler since we had the kids. It is so easy to know which movie I want to win-THE ONE I SAW (usually there is only one)! Maybe I need to TIVO this years friggin Oscars and save it to watch one year from now since thanks G-d for Netflix by then I may have actually seen some of this years winners. That is if call seeing the first 19 minutes and 22 seconds of any movie, seeing a movie. That is my average movie at home average pass out time.

Mommy Mud Wrestling

I am painfully bored of the existing school fundraisers. How about something aggressive and exciting us mom's can really go wild for...

MOMMY MUD WRESTLING!

That is right imagine the possibilities...
You pick a mommy to wrestle and any staff member of your choosing or a friend can match you up. The ring side seats will fill in no time-whatever the price!.

C'mon mommies let's get dirty :)

heart shaped poo!

This morning I awoke to the 3 men in my life Snap-my husband who is probably about to snap from the pressure of dealing with all of us and not doing anything he really wants, Crackle-the big boy and little Pop-I mean poop. Alas, I had gotten a little something for everyone so they would feel loved-they responded with a chorus of complaints. Finally, I asked where is all my mommy valentine booty to whine about. Little poop smiled up at me and pointed to his diaper. Such a sweety... when I went to change him there was a giant chocolate colored poop in the shape of a heart! So thoughtful-just what mommy wanted for valentines. I feel so loved. Hopefully, your day is filled with chocolate safer to eat!

Formulating children's class

Whooo Hooo one of my very favorite parenting exercises-trying to selectively choose who will be in your child's class for the coming year-I love all the jockeying and whispering-the excitement of who got what-all the intellectual, artistic and mysterious concentration worthy of formulating an expensive wine or a fine scent. The lightening bolt hit-CAN I ACTUALLY CHOOSE INSTEAD WHICH KIDS AND PARENTS I DON'T WANT IN MY KIDS CLASS? Sure, I love our friends-they are kind, funny and sweet and we would peacefully enjoy catching their snotty colds all next winter but not nearly as much as we would love not to have to interact with some of the others. Really the school should hand out a form titled who has been a complete pain in your ass last school year? Please list in order of priority from 1 to 5 your preference to not be together.

Any food restrictions?

The other day a friend invited us to dinner-she was kind enough to ask...
Does your family have any food restrictions? Actually, we have a very specific day by day regimen.

Mondays we eat a strict Gluten free diet and the entire family is lactose intolerant-please provide us with the necessary medicine to not fill your house with gas.

Tuesdays we follow the Hindu dietary restrictions and myself and one of my sons do not eat meat. My husband and my other son are nut intolerant between the hours of 12PM and 9:17PM

Wednesdays we all drink only alcohol and abstain from eating any food substance save for Life Cereal smashed in little bits.

Thursday we keep kosher but we do eat bacon but only raw bacon.

Friday we eat only fruits and nuts and dirty socks

Saturdays we are vegan with the exception of sushi made of live baby lambs.

Sundays we eat vegetarian out of the house but in the house we eat everything we can get our hands on.

Thanks for having us over...we cannot wait to come!

ENRICHMENT!

ENRICHMENT! The nebulous group of activities our children partake in after school is a freakin MISNOMER. It should actually be called EXHAUSTMENT because that friends is the true point! When evaluating whether to send ones child the big question is if blank amount of cash is worth exhausting your little one that amount. Is the activity truly exhausting enough? This is the big question! Alas it is named enrichment because it very much ENRICHES all those who offer enrichment to your children. They make big cash on the concept that you will do just about anything to push "childcare" or your lack of needing to provide care to your child a bit deeper into the waning hours!