Diversify your personal portfolio

THE ECONOMICS OF EMOTIONS

As the self annointed Suze Orman of Emotion follow my lead and make sure your emotional wallet is overflowing with resources.

1. DIVERSIFY YOUR PERSONAL PORTFOLIO
Don't expect a single person in your life to fulfill your every emotional need. Some will be there to listen, a shoulder to cry on, not to judge, to give business advice, to cuddle. Let them give where they can, some come from richer resources than others. Let them give how they can.

2. SPEND EMOTIONS CONSERVATIVELY
You never know when you will want to cry louder and harder about something else. Make sure there are still some listening ears in your bank account for the next big crisis.

3. SPEND WITH DISCRIMINATION
Like some objects are not really worth buying some people are not really worth sharing with. Choose carefully.

4. KEEP YOUR RICHES OUT OF VIEW
Don't just let all your emotions hangout for some emotional pick pocket to come and snap them up. Be wary some people do like to snatch your feelings and spread around your riches for their own benefit. They may not appreciate the true value of your honest feelings.

5. BE BRAVE, TAKE RISKS
Trust your heart when you feel someone is worthy-share.

Add to the list...we need everyone to help us all make sense of the murky emotional world.

Unmatchmaker

In my younger days I was a matchmaker. I have two weddings to my name and 3.2 offspring as the fruit of my labor. Aged wisdom as enlightened me...I am now an unmatchmaker. I now go around and tell people they should definitely not be married to one another. I say things like... you have no chemistry, you barely talk to one another, she is much better looking then you, he puts you down all the time, she has a boyfriend,he is an awful parent, your kids will be hideous, someone needs to manage the money, you could do better, she is lazy. I am really proud...I have broken up so many unhappy couples!

www.twoheadedmommy.blogspot.com

soooo GREEN!

In an effort to be more green, I have been doing the following and hope you will do the same...

I am trying to buy less and steal more.
I cut down my personal vehicle use and instead have been pleasure cruising in my friends Hummer.
In a serious effort to turn out our lights I have purchased more laptops to illuminate our space.


I have been making my very own consumables. I created a toxic chemical preservative lab and have been applying the potions to our homegrown organic garden. My kids love mixing the solutions and then eating them right from our own test kitchen. It has been educational to experiment with expanding the halflife of our very own tomatoes. I have been reusing the excess toxins as cleaning products. Our toilet and my kids skin is literally glowing. It is neat because they no longer need night lights, imagine the electrical savings!

I have been recycling intensely spending at least 3 times as much time as usual going around and around on the electric stationary bike at the gym. As a result I have significantly reduced my weight and I am reusing my cell phone more and more each day as I am stuck on the stationary cycle.

In a truly noble effort to be truly green I am reusing the following. I hope you will follow my valient lead.

Tampons
Dirty diapers
Soiled toilet paper
Condoms
Oil that leaks from our cars for cooking

I feel really good about myself, even if I do smell really really bad.

Clearly this is just a start but every little bit counts.
Please add to the list to help encourage others to be more green.

Divorce Websites

Recently, the inlaws came visiting...they had some goop that some people we knew maybe splitting up. It got me thinking why stop at wedding websites? Shouldn't people get divorce websites as well? That way you could hop online to...
www.derekannabelleshusbanddidaprostitute.com
www.Sethandmaryhavenothadsexin7years.com
www.jimandcarrieisnowjimandlarry.com
and personally decide who gets to keep your silver service gift for 8 with matching creamer, air your opinion on who should live with who and for how many days a week and which family members from each side would still be allowed to chat. Contribute to the endless pool of gossip about how it happened and who told you what. Finally, you could offer your completely impartial and totally honest opinion on how much cash should be divvied out to the receiving party. Forget wedding websites-what a complete bore, divorce websites would be much more fun! As long as I am designing the functionality you could also propose hookups! FUN, FUN, FUN! The potential of the web is enormous. Happiness and social connection is only the tip of the iceberg!

IQ must be higher then weight

One of my friends a hot little auburn meets strawberry blond is chirping about her weight. She used to be a sized 2. Alas the baby has multiplied the number. As she is a genius to the max, I calmed her nerves that as long as her IQ continued to exceed her weight she was in fine shape. Women love messing with their heads with a numbers game and it got me thinking it is a great goal to express the importance of valuing us babes for other things? Does your weight exceed your IQ?

Babysitter Pageant

When I first needed to hire a babysitter I promised myself that my main goal would be that ugly would be a definite requirement. Lord knows there is no better recipe for disaster then a hot women half your age taking energetic care of your kids. Reality has played some cosmic joke on me because the women that end up coming to interview are starting to look like they escaped from the friggin Miss Universe Pageant. It is very depressing. Hi..."I am completely gorgeous, I have no stretch marks, speak five languages and I can chase your kids for 5 hours". "Do you think your husband would enjoy having me around?" YIKES!!! Where have all the sweet and nasty looking babysitters gone? Is this some cosmic joke?

Mommy Intervention/Rehab

The other day I was casually looking forward to a playdate with friends.
Little did I know...(thunderclap/sounds of doom) my friends and family had scheduled a MOMMY INTERVENTION.

They sat me down and ranted endlessy how completely irritating and totally anti social all my mommy behavior was and that I immedietely needed to head to MOMMY REHAB.

COMPLAINTS AS FOLLOWS...

I was nuerotically obsessed safety to the point of having the kids wear bike helmets in their carseats.

I only fed them fresh veggies from my personal organic garden and only after a squirrel had taken multiple bites. Obviously, to insure the food was actually safe to be consumed.

I never let anyone babysit them outside myself or the trusted family dog of 9 years.

I cannot imagine why anyone would perceive me as over the top! Do you agree I need MOMMY REHAB? This all seems perfectly sensible to me.

Nu Bra

After nursing the girls were sagging...
My friend encouraged me to buy the Nu Bra. My babysitter looked aghast at my new found cleavage. The Nu Bra needed new branding (according to the girls) It is now respectfully...THE GET RICH QUICK BRA!

Happy Cleavage for after nursing...you deserve it. It is all an illusion anyway, why not your cleavage too?

OFFLIST

Do you think it is wierd to respond to someone that sends you personal e-mails with the subject heading OFFLIST. Even though they are sending the e-mails to you and just you? Hmmmmm....

Muffin Top Inserts

Yoo hoo GIRLIES! FABO news, there is a sexy new look in clothing...MUFFIN TOP INSERTS. I know alot of mommies have muffin top envy. So many of your friends got sexy muffin tops after the kids that you also want one. So now you can be smokin just like them-muffin top clothing inserts. That is right just like shoulder pads from times gone by-now you get a muffintop ring. It pops snuggly over your jeans so you can looking cuddly and sweet just like all your curvy mommy friends.

Designer Sales

Today I went to a Designer Sale at a friends house-
Basically, 10 of us sat on her couch and oggled clothes that a very attractive looking, should be catalogue model mom presented to us. I definitely was jonesing for a valium. It was torture to sit still that long and gaze at clothing that would never flatter me while catalogue model mommy droned on. I did imagine it in a better format-Visualize, a designer show at the fitness club. I would be riding the elliptical trainer and instead of CNN some good looking women would stand in front of my friends and myself and present hot Spring looks. I could learn how steel grey was the chic new color and tone my abs at once-much better : )!