Mommy Code of Ethics

Every subculture sports its unspoken code of conduct and mommyhood is no exception

For those of you not in the cognescenti LISTEN UP!

1. Never, ever, ever, ever steal someones babysitter!
2. Do not ask anyone for their sitters number unless you are in a dire dire emergency requiring immediete hospitalization.
3. Do not diagnose other peoples children (even if they are diagnosable and their mother is also diagnosable.)
4. Do not breastfeed without modesty infront of your friends husbands. Whether or not you are receiving dairy farm subsidies from the government is irrelevant to a man. What you see as a future organic milk business he still sees as a gigantic HOOTER.
5. Do not get all needy when a mommy does not return your phone call immedietely. You know darn well why any mommy did not return your call! HELLO...EXHAUSTION!
6. Do not write thank you notes! Think how many horrible thank you writing nights mommy's could save if we could drop this tired victorian tradition-okay, this is not really on the list but I hate them and this is my only platform to spew my personal BS!

Mommy Food Pyramid

THE MOMMY FOOD PYRAMID

PIZZA-all mommy's should eat 5 servings of pizza a day
SWEDISH FISH-eating your colors especially neon ones is a very important part of the diet. Swedish Fish provide a healthy (gag me) rainbow assortment.
CHOCOLATE CANDY BARS WITH NUTS-We prefer the expensive boutique kind that burn a scary hole in your already empty wallet.
COCA COLA The real old fashioned sugary kind.
COFFEE This caffeinated blitz is an imperative for any mommy! Be sure to down at least 6 cups a day! With the big grains of brown sugar.

Working Hard

A modest (socially but not economically) mommy friend came over to our new house in the hood. As she graced our door flitting to her Honda chariot waiting to transport her magically back to her megamillion mansion she said..."We have worked really hard for everything we have." Well, I thought..." we have worked really hard for everything we don't have!" We are really proud of what we haven't accomplished and we have achieved so little economically all on our very own. All by ourselves we have selected to spend our intelligence and creativity just so. Isn't it a completely impressive waste of potential? We may set up our own little live museum of individuals who have topped out in graduate school. Do you think anyone would come to visit? Do you think we can make money? We sure could use it!

This freakin happy kid

Shocking Truth! I am a mother to what appears to be one of the happiest little elfs on the block. Granted since he is only 2 so we don't realllllly have any clue what awaits us. Alas this is not boasting as there is no one, including yours truly nuerotic, that can fathom how I birthed this undiscovered, serene, mini incarnation of the Dalai Pajama. Even my closest friends exclaim lil snide remarks ..."How can it possibly be these children are YOURS?" They act as if the ZEN karma of the cosmos have been tossed assunder and that poetic justice has failed when they see myself pure chaos and disorder in the company of lil misters grace and perfection. Finally, yesterday it hit me. The kids are sooo freakin happy because they have a lil brother support group... AGAINST ME!

Diagnosable Mom Group

Deep thought has lead me to one conclusion... my absolute gating mechanism for mommy friends is they need to be totally diagnosable. If not, they bore me to death. All you completely sane girls (you know who you are!) kindly step aside. I have special affection for totally insane ones that have no clue their reality takes a left from planet earth.

The following are sought for a new mommy group meeting on TwoHeadedMommy.

Obsessive Compulsive Mommy Disorder
I especially love mommy's with OCMD. Life with kids can be totally chaotic so a really predictable mommy that runs like a Swiss clock is a strong bonus for the group

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Mommy Disorder
ADHMD mommies are an electric contribution to any mommy group. They are the disco ball in the Pottery Barn reality of mommyhood. They also come in handy with any Y chromosome kids in your pack. Let the ADHMD's do the chasing while you nurse your soy latte.

Multiple Mommy Personality Disorder
Given the limited time mommy has to socialize multiple personalities is an extremely efficient answer to diversifying any time crunched mommy's social group. Think about the economics...one number to track, one email, less kids to watch but the fun of many friends. Multiple Personalities is any intelligent mommies choice!

Addictive Personality Mommy Disorder
As many mommies are too exhausted to actually run any spreadsheets on their relationships it is excellent to have some of these mommies around. Once you get them hooked on giving you their sitters, maids, freebies you are set up with resources for life. Before they get into Mommy Rehab anyway. Then they need to cut out all the mommy enablers in their life. Boo Hoo!

Hypochondriac Mommy Disorder
These mommy's are invaluable as anytime you wonder if you need to take junior to the Pediatric MD (throat clearing) money vacuum. As on cue they are always willing to support your nuerosis. This perfection embodied a doppelganger mommy in dark irrational thoughts regarding juniors unexpected cough. Definitely keep this ones number.

Co-Dependent Mommy Disorder
This one is so perfect it defies the need for explanation. It is pristine in its mathmatical purity-she wants to bit%6 about so and so you want to B*4cH about this that...PERFECT!

Finally, we love mommy's with any disorder but frankly if you are totally everyday normal mommy with a perfect past TwoHeadedMommy will probably find you insanely boring.

Go get diagnosed girlfriend so we can hangout and have some fun :) !

Civic Perspiration oops Inspiration

I sadly do not often think of myself as civic minded. Alas, I am thrilled to have completed my first and possibly last volunteer deed this year. I actually cut my hair and donated the excessive inches to charity for wigs...not my head hair girls...my armpit hair. I am thrilled to provide my sweaty lil partners a very meaningful second life. I wonder how the wiry lil dudes will enjoy their fabulous new life style in the public eye. The total glamour of being primped, blow dried and curled. I probably will not recognize them if I see them. On a higher level... I want to urge all you other hairy moms out there to stop feeling ashamed and take your lack of personal care to another level. Those armpit hairs can mean alot to someone.

Mommy Vomit Bag

Packing The Diaper Bag...
When packing ones camper van-I mean diaper bag please do not forget THE MOMMY VOMIT BAG. This is to protect you not from you or your child's regurgitated meal but the emotional vomit of the random mommy's you meet. It is important to carry the bags with you at all times as well as a few spares. Alas, you may get hit multiple times in a single day! So, if some random women you don't know sidles up with a toddler that has dilocated her mommy's shoulder hanging off her disconnected limb and begins to spew emotional vomit at you immedietely pull out the mommy vomit bag so that it covers her mouth completely. You are saving some poor, lonely desolate women total embarassment. She will not need to go home later and say as she once did after a one night stand (in another life) WHAT DID I DO?

The rule of pre-school

Folks...please let me share with you a very important fact regarding sending your children to pre-school. Never, ever, ever actually go there and see what the heck is going on. Because, no matter how much the staff greets you like you are the second coming of Kermit the frog, no matter how much they tell you they are not feeding your child tree bark with bird poop icing for snack time, no matter what a glorious mini country club, spa environment it markets itself to be. It will never live up to the expectations of mommy. NEVER...EVER! Really, sending your child to preschool's expectations should be set realistically. I will hope to free my children from my boring middle aged existence for blank (your discretion) amount of time. That my friends is all one should truly hope to accomplish at pre-school. Because and I mean no offense...it is not a function of the individuals as I have been enchanted with many but the sheer reality of the situation. How can two individuals regardless of their commitment, intelligence and creativity possibly change 12 kids diapers-peep and poop included possibly multiple times, gazillions of times a day, track countless bizarre inbred illnesses, filter every known food allergy group including but not limited all beans which grow in pods below the equator also any bananas harvested before Thanksgiving and food planted by midgets.
Everytime I look at the individuals doing the task with wonder the kids even get through the day. Basically, the only true expectation we can have is that their cell phone is charged and they can call 911. Be real you take care of little kids...imagine 12 of them...YIKES! Yoga breathing...yoga breathing. So when you lil one asks what did you do while I was at school... you can say with confidence YOGA BREATHING...I DID LOTS OF YOGA BREATHING.

Resolution

Always a proud underacheiever...I realize I am a bit tardy for NEW YEARS. Alas, I had great insight. 2008 is going to be the year of hygiene. My personal goal is to shower more then once every two weeks. At first blush this may seem absurd but admit it girls-you know who you are running to the gym, a quick finger trip to the e-mail and it is back to carpool---suddenly days go by and your body has not seen the friggin shower. For me it has gotten so bad I actually have a story in the event I am confronted---Yes, I have not showered. My lack of hygiene is a political statement. I am saving water for the environment. Thanks to me your kids may be able to drink in the future. If you cared about the future you would never bath either...so selfish of you!

I am really hopeful that I can achieve my goal. If not one of my friends joined Shower Watchers- you set a bacteria count goal for your body by specific date and check in weekly under a microscope to see if you gotten down to your personal bacteria goal. She said it has been really supportive and meaningful to be in the company of other moms who continually struggle with consistent Hygiene.

SUCK IT UP!

Alas, if you believe Donny Duetsch your children can be inspiration for millions. Finally my AHHHH HAAAA moment! While attempting to shovel lunch with dollface I mused if only I had a vaccum cleaner hose attachment for my nose to simply and efficiently suck food through my nostrils-I could rest assured my lunch would be eaten. Brilliant NO? Thank Goodness...there is millions to be made! How about a personal nutrient IV bag? Imagine the possibilities for quick dining. MOMMY BE HUNGRY NO MORE! Our line of products will make sure you get the vitamins you need and make carpool. Hip, fashionable and literally dripping with vitamins...YIPPY!.

TwoHeadedMommy Primaries

The big TwoHeadedMommy primary is underway and it is a tight race as to who will win...Mean Mommyhead or Nice Mommyhead.
Of course, Mean Mommyhead has more cash in the bank. She is the one always screaming "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ANOTHER SUPER HERO TOY! WHO WILL PAY FOR FRIGGIN JUNIOR COLLEGE?!?" Mean Mommyhead's cheap behavior may help out as Sweet Mommyhead sees her campaign cash supply begin to dwindle. Sweet Mommyhead had a magical holiday shopping escapade which turned $150 cash into colored plastic in just one hour-PRESTO! Impressive MAGIC Sweet Mommyhead! Now can you turn it back into cash? On the flipside, Mean Mommyhead has been instigating a meaningless little war in the house and the lil two year old has been making signs on the etch sketch "-Stop the war on daddy, Quit trying to control him for Gas Money! Find a renewable energy source!" Then again... if Sweet Mommyhead wins I am sure Mean Mommyhead would not have a problem fixing the vote. Either way if there is a Mommy president in the White House (one way our founding father's obviously did try to discourage a mommy from being president was to call the residence
THE WHITE HOUSE-what idiot mommy would ever conciously try to move into an all white house? My Gosh...with juice boxes and pizza! There is no way!
Alas, if a mommy does get elected president we can all be secure in one heartening fact---there will be zero sex scandals! In fact, we can all be rest assured there will be no sex at all. I swear your honor...I did not...

MOMMY RECALL HAS BEEN ISSUED

BREAKING NEWS!

A number of mommies are presently under recall...

1. Brunette Mommies with a C Cup before nursing with Social Security numbers ending in 5342.
2. Redheads with Hazel eyes who never smoked pot and were born between 1669-1973 and have traveled outside the US in the past 8.3 months.
3. All mommies between 5'2" and 5'8" born within a ten mile radius of Niagara Falls on The American Side who have shopped at J. Crew.

We advise all husbands and children to drop everything they are doing this minute and see if your home contains one of these mommies. Did you not hear me the first time...Do you need me to take your big screen TV away? What about your freakin Transformer---Go get off your booty and check guys!

When initially introduced into the home the mommies were completely functional and predictable. Unfortunately, an unsettling amount of complaints regarding the mommies have been surfacing. To insure your mommy will continue functioning properly and has not been included in a recent recall go to www.recallmymommy.com and enter in your mommies unique social security number as is written on her social security card conveniently located in her wallet next to her precious $$$.
Our operators are on hand to assist you with proper recall technique in this disturbing situation.

We will keep you informed as more news updates become available.

neighbors lexxus

Yesterday my husband came home and announced that my neighbors had just bought a new LEXUS! Lucky them...

well...
my other car is a HONDA but
my childs diapers are LEXUS!

Have a sarcastic NEW YEAR!