My friend and her family came to visit...
in kindergarten we played together 35 days in a row and attempted to break the Guiness Book of World Records for most days played together. Still can't get enough.
I realized when you hangout with your family you return to being a kid in a bad way, with an old friend you roll back the dead skin of maturity in the best way...sharing your clothes, giving away your hair product and staying up too late chatting. All the fortress walls of middle age came tumbling and were replaced by squilling. The best vacation in the world... having a friend at home.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
stages of going to bed
DENIAL AND ISOLATION
first child screams...I am not going to bed...leave me alone!
ANGER
I am so mad! Don't tell me to go to bed! Child kicks daddy in the balls and breaks mommy's nose.
BARGAINING
If you let me stay up I will brush my teeth without tearing your hairout in the morning.
DEPRESSION
Going to bed makes me and teddy bear sad. Can we at least have our Prozac first?
ACCEPTANCE
Teddy and I are much more relaxed now. Can we have a tucky and kiss kiss?
first child screams...I am not going to bed...leave me alone!
ANGER
I am so mad! Don't tell me to go to bed! Child kicks daddy in the balls and breaks mommy's nose.
BARGAINING
If you let me stay up I will brush my teeth without tearing your hairout in the morning.
DEPRESSION
Going to bed makes me and teddy bear sad. Can we at least have our Prozac first?
ACCEPTANCE
Teddy and I are much more relaxed now. Can we have a tucky and kiss kiss?
Friday, March 21, 2008
babysitter's beamer
My husband and I both drive Honda's. Do you think it would be wierd if we asked our college coed babysitter to borrow her BMW for us to go out on date night tomorrow night?
Monday, March 17, 2008
have you seen my brain?
Tonight as my husband sagged into our bedroom...
he questioned tersely..."have you seen where the kids put my tie stays?"
I responded in kind... " have you seen where the kids put my brain?""Little boy number 1 hid it somewhere about 5 years ago, it is grey matter and squishy and it was creative and effectively processed information."
"If you happen to step on it or find it in the playroom please put it on the stand next to the front door, next to my keys."
he questioned tersely..."have you seen where the kids put my tie stays?"
I responded in kind... " have you seen where the kids put my brain?""Little boy number 1 hid it somewhere about 5 years ago, it is grey matter and squishy and it was creative and effectively processed information."
"If you happen to step on it or find it in the playroom please put it on the stand next to the front door, next to my keys."
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Candidate Perfect Storm
All us underepresented discriminated against individuals should just get together and create the dream candidate perfect storm...
a female, senior citizen, who is .4 % latina, .3% black, .1% american indian, .1% white, .1% asian, who is also a bisexual, HIV positive crossdresser, survivor show alumni-that has to capture a bit of the whole pot.
a female, senior citizen, who is .4 % latina, .3% black, .1% american indian, .1% white, .1% asian, who is also a bisexual, HIV positive crossdresser, survivor show alumni-that has to capture a bit of the whole pot.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fantasy Shopping
Today I engaged in my favorite sort of shopping...Fantasy Shopping.
When I fantasy shop I pretend I have all the money in the world and I can purchase whatever I dream of. I actually put down the credit card on impulse purchases that would match both my fantasy home and lifestyle...large pieces of furniture, glamorous gowns, opulent jewelry. Then...for some reason I cannot get the item home.
Alas, all gets returned. It is awesome!
When I fantasy shop I pretend I have all the money in the world and I can purchase whatever I dream of. I actually put down the credit card on impulse purchases that would match both my fantasy home and lifestyle...large pieces of furniture, glamorous gowns, opulent jewelry. Then...for some reason I cannot get the item home.
Alas, all gets returned. It is awesome!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Mommy Match Madness
Making Mommy friends is like playing the dating game...
Remember the board game from when we were teenagers, you would open the little plastic door which revealed a potential mate...
In mommyland you open the minivan door and honk, honk see what is inside...
It's very difficult to find a match as the paremeters for success grow more complicated. Unless everything cosmically aligns the chemistry is just not there.
Too pretty
Too rich
Works to much
Doesn't work at all
Too unkept
Feeds their kids too healthy
Feeds their kids not healthy enough
Too susy homemaker
Too messy and chaotic
Emotionally unstable
Too numb
Too good of a mommy
Too involved in school
Too indifferent
Too earnest
Talks about the kids too much
Too clueless about the kids
Has the kids in no activities
Has the kids overcommitted
Too many kids
Too few kids
Kids are different ages
Kids are different sexes
One or both kids is off the wall
Not intellectual
Too intellectual
Too fit
Too much of a gossip
Too organic
Feeds the kids only processed foods
No sense of humor
Too liberal
Too conservative
Lives in the land of make believe
Too conventional
Too sorority girl
The husband is too interested
Too nuerotic-nehhh...I love nuerotic
Not nuerotic enough
Yeah, it can be tough for us mommies everything has to be just so.
Please add to the list
Remember the board game from when we were teenagers, you would open the little plastic door which revealed a potential mate...
In mommyland you open the minivan door and honk, honk see what is inside...
It's very difficult to find a match as the paremeters for success grow more complicated. Unless everything cosmically aligns the chemistry is just not there.
Too pretty
Too rich
Works to much
Doesn't work at all
Too unkept
Feeds their kids too healthy
Feeds their kids not healthy enough
Too susy homemaker
Too messy and chaotic
Emotionally unstable
Too numb
Too good of a mommy
Too involved in school
Too indifferent
Too earnest
Talks about the kids too much
Too clueless about the kids
Has the kids in no activities
Has the kids overcommitted
Too many kids
Too few kids
Kids are different ages
Kids are different sexes
One or both kids is off the wall
Not intellectual
Too intellectual
Too fit
Too much of a gossip
Too organic
Feeds the kids only processed foods
No sense of humor
Too liberal
Too conservative
Lives in the land of make believe
Too conventional
Too sorority girl
The husband is too interested
Too nuerotic-nehhh...I love nuerotic
Not nuerotic enough
Yeah, it can be tough for us mommies everything has to be just so.
Please add to the list
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
parenting roulette
Welcome to the Parenting Game Show...
Tonight we have a tremendously naive and very excited Mommy to be...
Mommy SPIN THE WHEEL of progeny fortune...
Choices...
ADHD
Autism
Downs
Car Puker
Unnamed mystery disorder
Pick your disorder
Manic Depression
Serial Killer
Cheerleader
Tourettes
And as a very special take away for playing 735 sleepless nights!
All this might be yours!
Tonight we have a tremendously naive and very excited Mommy to be...
Mommy SPIN THE WHEEL of progeny fortune...
Choices...
ADHD
Autism
Downs
Car Puker
Unnamed mystery disorder
Pick your disorder
Manic Depression
Serial Killer
Cheerleader
Tourettes
And as a very special take away for playing 735 sleepless nights!
All this might be yours!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
disorganizational consultant
I have finally heard my calling...
I am becoming a DISORGANIZATIONAL CONSULTANT I am so excited!
The business will be called...
COMPLETE CHAOS
instant disorganization!
Visualize it and it will happen..
I imagine myself arriving at my first clients. I am a complete chaotic mommy mess, hair a frenetic nest, breath of sewage, sporting stained, mismatched tattered clothes and -one broken stiletto and one old converse hightop-both from eras best forgotten. My unzipped handbag will be overflowing with wipes, diapers and half opened tampons. A muffin top will be bursting the dam of my jeans. My client... my fantasy doppelganger will be 10 years my junior and embody a living Ice Queen. Glacial, serene and a terrifying beauty she will be adorned in a cream custom tailored designer suit. Her dangerous glossy nails enveloped in a pristine french manicure and her hair will float in shiny golden sheeves. Ice Queen's smile will glare sparkling piano keys. Her pristine exterior will veil matching undergarments without holes. Her beige penthouse will peer out to an endless monotone frightening blue skies.
In my minds sleepy eye... in the background roll in dark thunder clouds, 3 tornados, a hurricane and a hail storm and a giant penthouse splashing tsunami wave as my adorable beeming trusty, crusty lil helpers- ages two and five storm Ice Queen's beige Penthouse. On their lil bodies hang tattered torn dirty Target duds. Their greasy locks assunder and their faces a collage of crusted boogers, dried goldfish and scary koolaid they will chant.
Your house is sweet,
we want a treat
at making disasters we will not be beat!
Go mess go!
Intensely ambitious my team of impossibly experienced and professionally accredited disorganizers-will immedietely begin work before Ice Queen even greets us. As I try to lounge on her couch, my feet carelessly staining her beige carpets my little men will begin tearing down her posh drapes, smashing her glass coffee table to bits and knocking priceless sculptures and luminscent vases onto her hardwood floors-stomping them to pieces to make sure all the glass is 100% shattered. Living plants will spill their foliage and dirt creating irreparable damage to valuable area rugs and then they will tirelessly sneeze snotty yellow goobers and finger paint them with great fine motor skills into rare rugs. They will pry open her Channel makeup and write I love you Ice Kween on the drapery in lipstick. They irrigate her laptop with coffee and hurl her precious iphone in the toilet-flushing til it overflows. Exhibiting super tot effort my lovely assistants will tilt over large bookshelves, creating a mini earthquake shaking the highrise and sending tenants fleeing.
Tireless, my disorganizers will not consider their job complete until they have pooped and peed in multiple locations-for an extra fee they will also vomit 2 days worth of pasta with marinara sauce-WITH MARINARA SAUCE, I SAID WITH MARINARA SAUCE onto expensive imported from France upholstery.
Ice Queen will begin to melt as life has never felt this supremely out of control. In one vibrant kinetic finale they will assault her- smashing open pricesless Cabernet as they do cartwheels from her pearl toned sofa to her mohair armchair.
The contents will spew like fireworks that stain. Kackling with glee the little tyrants will rip her tiffany diamonds from her lobes and hurl them into the heating vent. They will scratch her face with their dirty sharp nails and assault her porcelein skin with their tiny fangs. Alas, her hair a matted mess, her makeup smeared and running, desperately hungry and needing to pee she will say to the tiny terrors..."you are so sweet, come give me a hug...I love you so much!" Exhausted the the disorganizing team will curl up in her lap and she will smile serenly, a piece of yesterday's pizza hanging from her lips. Finally the adorable little cuties will slumber in peace. 2 boring hours later they will rouse and start all over again.
Ice Qcream will never be the same.
I am becoming a DISORGANIZATIONAL CONSULTANT I am so excited!
The business will be called...
COMPLETE CHAOS
instant disorganization!
Visualize it and it will happen..
I imagine myself arriving at my first clients. I am a complete chaotic mommy mess, hair a frenetic nest, breath of sewage, sporting stained, mismatched tattered clothes and -one broken stiletto and one old converse hightop-both from eras best forgotten. My unzipped handbag will be overflowing with wipes, diapers and half opened tampons. A muffin top will be bursting the dam of my jeans. My client... my fantasy doppelganger will be 10 years my junior and embody a living Ice Queen. Glacial, serene and a terrifying beauty she will be adorned in a cream custom tailored designer suit. Her dangerous glossy nails enveloped in a pristine french manicure and her hair will float in shiny golden sheeves. Ice Queen's smile will glare sparkling piano keys. Her pristine exterior will veil matching undergarments without holes. Her beige penthouse will peer out to an endless monotone frightening blue skies.
In my minds sleepy eye... in the background roll in dark thunder clouds, 3 tornados, a hurricane and a hail storm and a giant penthouse splashing tsunami wave as my adorable beeming trusty, crusty lil helpers- ages two and five storm Ice Queen's beige Penthouse. On their lil bodies hang tattered torn dirty Target duds. Their greasy locks assunder and their faces a collage of crusted boogers, dried goldfish and scary koolaid they will chant.
Your house is sweet,
we want a treat
at making disasters we will not be beat!
Go mess go!
Intensely ambitious my team of impossibly experienced and professionally accredited disorganizers-will immedietely begin work before Ice Queen even greets us. As I try to lounge on her couch, my feet carelessly staining her beige carpets my little men will begin tearing down her posh drapes, smashing her glass coffee table to bits and knocking priceless sculptures and luminscent vases onto her hardwood floors-stomping them to pieces to make sure all the glass is 100% shattered. Living plants will spill their foliage and dirt creating irreparable damage to valuable area rugs and then they will tirelessly sneeze snotty yellow goobers and finger paint them with great fine motor skills into rare rugs. They will pry open her Channel makeup and write I love you Ice Kween on the drapery in lipstick. They irrigate her laptop with coffee and hurl her precious iphone in the toilet-flushing til it overflows. Exhibiting super tot effort my lovely assistants will tilt over large bookshelves, creating a mini earthquake shaking the highrise and sending tenants fleeing.
Tireless, my disorganizers will not consider their job complete until they have pooped and peed in multiple locations-for an extra fee they will also vomit 2 days worth of pasta with marinara sauce-WITH MARINARA SAUCE, I SAID WITH MARINARA SAUCE onto expensive imported from France upholstery.
Ice Queen will begin to melt as life has never felt this supremely out of control. In one vibrant kinetic finale they will assault her- smashing open pricesless Cabernet as they do cartwheels from her pearl toned sofa to her mohair armchair.
The contents will spew like fireworks that stain. Kackling with glee the little tyrants will rip her tiffany diamonds from her lobes and hurl them into the heating vent. They will scratch her face with their dirty sharp nails and assault her porcelein skin with their tiny fangs. Alas, her hair a matted mess, her makeup smeared and running, desperately hungry and needing to pee she will say to the tiny terrors..."you are so sweet, come give me a hug...I love you so much!" Exhausted the the disorganizing team will curl up in her lap and she will smile serenly, a piece of yesterday's pizza hanging from her lips. Finally the adorable little cuties will slumber in peace. 2 boring hours later they will rouse and start all over again.
Ice Qcream will never be the same.
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