There are so many little stickers that go on little people things that have their names but I find myself saying constantly, well screeching constantly..."THAT IS NOT YOURS!", "NOT YOURS!". I would really love some sticker's that say...
"NOT YOURS!"
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
carpool
Picking up the kid at carpool is like going through the tot drive through.
"I would like one 5 year old with a wicked sense of humor, a mean left hook, an indistinguishable birthmark that needs to be sanded off while he is awake, who ate his lunch and will enter the car with his blood sugar at a sociable level." "AND ONE ICED COFFEE WITH 4 SHOTS OF EXPRESSO and a pump of cinnamon dolce sweetner with 1 1/4 inch of vanilla soymilk that was opened today."
"Excuse me MS. Counselour I did not order this kid, in this totally bad mood, who is dripping popsicle gobs all over my dreamy HONDA! Could you please rework my order so I get the HAPPY KID post eating version! The coffee is fabulous!"
"THANKS SO MUCH SEE YOU TOMORROW!"
"I would like one 5 year old with a wicked sense of humor, a mean left hook, an indistinguishable birthmark that needs to be sanded off while he is awake, who ate his lunch and will enter the car with his blood sugar at a sociable level." "AND ONE ICED COFFEE WITH 4 SHOTS OF EXPRESSO and a pump of cinnamon dolce sweetner with 1 1/4 inch of vanilla soymilk that was opened today."
"Excuse me MS. Counselour I did not order this kid, in this totally bad mood, who is dripping popsicle gobs all over my dreamy HONDA! Could you please rework my order so I get the HAPPY KID post eating version! The coffee is fabulous!"
"THANKS SO MUCH SEE YOU TOMORROW!"
Senator omomma
I know this is a bit outdated but I was really humored when Senator Obama pointed to Senator Clinton and said to his daughters as if encouraging them "This is fabulous, this could be you as well!" Yes, Senator Obama that my friend is exactly the problem. Your daughters may also begin life as beautiful, intelligent, hardworking, ambitious women whose personally life becomes a public mockery and whose proffessional life is undermined by a much less experienced, more charismatic and much hotter guy like yourself! I am an Obama girl but I still prefer the momma-but only because I have no choice but to vote for the man AGAIN!. The whole thing for me just reinforced the fact that maybe we should just stay home and bake the darn cookies. At least then we know we will eat the fruits of our labor. Hmmmm...care for a cookie and your favorite cocktail Senator Obama (don't worry about momma.) Don't worry about us we can take care of ourselves and everyone else!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Diversify your personal portfolio
THE ECONOMICS OF EMOTIONS
As the self annointed Suze Orman of Emotion follow my lead and make sure your emotional wallet is overflowing with resources.
1. DIVERSIFY YOUR PERSONAL PORTFOLIO
Don't expect a single person in your life to fulfill your every emotional need. Some will be there to listen, a shoulder to cry on, not to judge, to give business advice, to cuddle. Let them give where they can, some come from richer resources than others. Let them give how they can.
2. SPEND EMOTIONS CONSERVATIVELY
You never know when you will want to cry louder and harder about something else. Make sure there are still some listening ears in your bank account for the next big crisis.
3. SPEND WITH DISCRIMINATION
Like some objects are not really worth buying some people are not really worth sharing with. Choose carefully.
4. KEEP YOUR RICHES OUT OF VIEW
Don't just let all your emotions hangout for some emotional pick pocket to come and snap them up. Be wary some people do like to snatch your feelings and spread around your riches for their own benefit. They may not appreciate the true value of your honest feelings.
5. BE BRAVE, TAKE RISKS
Trust your heart when you feel someone is worthy-share.
Add to the list...we need everyone to help us all make sense of the murky emotional world.
As the self annointed Suze Orman of Emotion follow my lead and make sure your emotional wallet is overflowing with resources.
1. DIVERSIFY YOUR PERSONAL PORTFOLIO
Don't expect a single person in your life to fulfill your every emotional need. Some will be there to listen, a shoulder to cry on, not to judge, to give business advice, to cuddle. Let them give where they can, some come from richer resources than others. Let them give how they can.
2. SPEND EMOTIONS CONSERVATIVELY
You never know when you will want to cry louder and harder about something else. Make sure there are still some listening ears in your bank account for the next big crisis.
3. SPEND WITH DISCRIMINATION
Like some objects are not really worth buying some people are not really worth sharing with. Choose carefully.
4. KEEP YOUR RICHES OUT OF VIEW
Don't just let all your emotions hangout for some emotional pick pocket to come and snap them up. Be wary some people do like to snatch your feelings and spread around your riches for their own benefit. They may not appreciate the true value of your honest feelings.
5. BE BRAVE, TAKE RISKS
Trust your heart when you feel someone is worthy-share.
Add to the list...we need everyone to help us all make sense of the murky emotional world.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Unmatchmaker
In my younger days I was a matchmaker. I have two weddings to my name and 3.2 offspring as the fruit of my labor. Aged wisdom as enlightened me...I am now an unmatchmaker. I now go around and tell people they should definitely not be married to one another. I say things like... you have no chemistry, you barely talk to one another, she is much better looking then you, he puts you down all the time, she has a boyfriend,he is an awful parent, your kids will be hideous, someone needs to manage the money, you could do better, she is lazy. I am really proud...I have broken up so many unhappy couples!
www.twoheadedmommy.blogspot.com
www.twoheadedmommy.blogspot.com
Monday, April 21, 2008
soooo GREEN!
In an effort to be more green, I have been doing the following and hope you will do the same...
I am trying to buy less and steal more.
I cut down my personal vehicle use and instead have been pleasure cruising in my friends Hummer.
In a serious effort to turn out our lights I have purchased more laptops to illuminate our space.
I have been making my very own consumables. I created a toxic chemical preservative lab and have been applying the potions to our homegrown organic garden. My kids love mixing the solutions and then eating them right from our own test kitchen. It has been educational to experiment with expanding the halflife of our very own tomatoes. I have been reusing the excess toxins as cleaning products. Our toilet and my kids skin is literally glowing. It is neat because they no longer need night lights, imagine the electrical savings!
I have been recycling intensely spending at least 3 times as much time as usual going around and around on the electric stationary bike at the gym. As a result I have significantly reduced my weight and I am reusing my cell phone more and more each day as I am stuck on the stationary cycle.
In a truly noble effort to be truly green I am reusing the following. I hope you will follow my valient lead.
Tampons
Dirty diapers
Soiled toilet paper
Condoms
Oil that leaks from our cars for cooking
I feel really good about myself, even if I do smell really really bad.
Clearly this is just a start but every little bit counts.
Please add to the list to help encourage others to be more green.
I am trying to buy less and steal more.
I cut down my personal vehicle use and instead have been pleasure cruising in my friends Hummer.
In a serious effort to turn out our lights I have purchased more laptops to illuminate our space.
I have been making my very own consumables. I created a toxic chemical preservative lab and have been applying the potions to our homegrown organic garden. My kids love mixing the solutions and then eating them right from our own test kitchen. It has been educational to experiment with expanding the halflife of our very own tomatoes. I have been reusing the excess toxins as cleaning products. Our toilet and my kids skin is literally glowing. It is neat because they no longer need night lights, imagine the electrical savings!
I have been recycling intensely spending at least 3 times as much time as usual going around and around on the electric stationary bike at the gym. As a result I have significantly reduced my weight and I am reusing my cell phone more and more each day as I am stuck on the stationary cycle.
In a truly noble effort to be truly green I am reusing the following. I hope you will follow my valient lead.
Tampons
Dirty diapers
Soiled toilet paper
Condoms
Oil that leaks from our cars for cooking
I feel really good about myself, even if I do smell really really bad.
Clearly this is just a start but every little bit counts.
Please add to the list to help encourage others to be more green.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Divorce Websites
Recently, the inlaws came visiting...they had some goop that some people we knew maybe splitting up. It got me thinking why stop at wedding websites? Shouldn't people get divorce websites as well? That way you could hop online to...
www.derekannabelleshusbanddidaprostitute.com
www.Sethandmaryhavenothadsexin7years.com
www.jimandcarrieisnowjimandlarry.com
and personally decide who gets to keep your silver service gift for 8 with matching creamer, air your opinion on who should live with who and for how many days a week and which family members from each side would still be allowed to chat. Contribute to the endless pool of gossip about how it happened and who told you what. Finally, you could offer your completely impartial and totally honest opinion on how much cash should be divvied out to the receiving party. Forget wedding websites-what a complete bore, divorce websites would be much more fun! As long as I am designing the functionality you could also propose hookups! FUN, FUN, FUN! The potential of the web is enormous. Happiness and social connection is only the tip of the iceberg!
www.derekannabelleshusbanddidaprostitute.com
www.Sethandmaryhavenothadsexin7years.com
www.jimandcarrieisnowjimandlarry.com
and personally decide who gets to keep your silver service gift for 8 with matching creamer, air your opinion on who should live with who and for how many days a week and which family members from each side would still be allowed to chat. Contribute to the endless pool of gossip about how it happened and who told you what. Finally, you could offer your completely impartial and totally honest opinion on how much cash should be divvied out to the receiving party. Forget wedding websites-what a complete bore, divorce websites would be much more fun! As long as I am designing the functionality you could also propose hookups! FUN, FUN, FUN! The potential of the web is enormous. Happiness and social connection is only the tip of the iceberg!
Thursday, April 10, 2008
IQ must be higher then weight
One of my friends a hot little auburn meets strawberry blond is chirping about her weight. She used to be a sized 2. Alas the baby has multiplied the number. As she is a genius to the max, I calmed her nerves that as long as her IQ continued to exceed her weight she was in fine shape. Women love messing with their heads with a numbers game and it got me thinking it is a great goal to express the importance of valuing us babes for other things? Does your weight exceed your IQ?
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Babysitter Pageant
When I first needed to hire a babysitter I promised myself that my main goal would be that ugly would be a definite requirement. Lord knows there is no better recipe for disaster then a hot women half your age taking energetic care of your kids. Reality has played some cosmic joke on me because the women that end up coming to interview are starting to look like they escaped from the friggin Miss Universe Pageant. It is very depressing. Hi..."I am completely gorgeous, I have no stretch marks, speak five languages and I can chase your kids for 5 hours". "Do you think your husband would enjoy having me around?" YIKES!!! Where have all the sweet and nasty looking babysitters gone? Is this some cosmic joke?
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Mommy Intervention/Rehab
The other day I was casually looking forward to a playdate with friends.
Little did I know...(thunderclap/sounds of doom) my friends and family had scheduled a MOMMY INTERVENTION.
They sat me down and ranted endlessy how completely irritating and totally anti social all my mommy behavior was and that I immedietely needed to head to MOMMY REHAB.
COMPLAINTS AS FOLLOWS...
I was nuerotically obsessed safety to the point of having the kids wear bike helmets in their carseats.
I only fed them fresh veggies from my personal organic garden and only after a squirrel had taken multiple bites. Obviously, to insure the food was actually safe to be consumed.
I never let anyone babysit them outside myself or the trusted family dog of 9 years.
I cannot imagine why anyone would perceive me as over the top! Do you agree I need MOMMY REHAB? This all seems perfectly sensible to me.
Little did I know...(thunderclap/sounds of doom) my friends and family had scheduled a MOMMY INTERVENTION.
They sat me down and ranted endlessy how completely irritating and totally anti social all my mommy behavior was and that I immedietely needed to head to MOMMY REHAB.
COMPLAINTS AS FOLLOWS...
I was nuerotically obsessed safety to the point of having the kids wear bike helmets in their carseats.
I only fed them fresh veggies from my personal organic garden and only after a squirrel had taken multiple bites. Obviously, to insure the food was actually safe to be consumed.
I never let anyone babysit them outside myself or the trusted family dog of 9 years.
I cannot imagine why anyone would perceive me as over the top! Do you agree I need MOMMY REHAB? This all seems perfectly sensible to me.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Nu Bra
After nursing the girls were sagging...
My friend encouraged me to buy the Nu Bra. My babysitter looked aghast at my new found cleavage. The Nu Bra needed new branding (according to the girls) It is now respectfully...THE GET RICH QUICK BRA!
Happy Cleavage for after nursing...you deserve it. It is all an illusion anyway, why not your cleavage too?
My friend encouraged me to buy the Nu Bra. My babysitter looked aghast at my new found cleavage. The Nu Bra needed new branding (according to the girls) It is now respectfully...THE GET RICH QUICK BRA!
Happy Cleavage for after nursing...you deserve it. It is all an illusion anyway, why not your cleavage too?
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
OFFLIST
Do you think it is wierd to respond to someone that sends you personal e-mails with the subject heading OFFLIST. Even though they are sending the e-mails to you and just you? Hmmmmm....
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Muffin Top Inserts
Yoo hoo GIRLIES! FABO news, there is a sexy new look in clothing...MUFFIN TOP INSERTS. I know alot of mommies have muffin top envy. So many of your friends got sexy muffin tops after the kids that you also want one. So now you can be smokin just like them-muffin top clothing inserts. That is right just like shoulder pads from times gone by-now you get a muffintop ring. It pops snuggly over your jeans so you can looking cuddly and sweet just like all your curvy mommy friends.
Designer Sales
Today I went to a Designer Sale at a friends house-
Basically, 10 of us sat on her couch and oggled clothes that a very attractive looking, should be catalogue model mom presented to us. I definitely was jonesing for a valium. It was torture to sit still that long and gaze at clothing that would never flatter me while catalogue model mommy droned on. I did imagine it in a better format-Visualize, a designer show at the fitness club. I would be riding the elliptical trainer and instead of CNN some good looking women would stand in front of my friends and myself and present hot Spring looks. I could learn how steel grey was the chic new color and tone my abs at once-much better : )!
Basically, 10 of us sat on her couch and oggled clothes that a very attractive looking, should be catalogue model mom presented to us. I definitely was jonesing for a valium. It was torture to sit still that long and gaze at clothing that would never flatter me while catalogue model mommy droned on. I did imagine it in a better format-Visualize, a designer show at the fitness club. I would be riding the elliptical trainer and instead of CNN some good looking women would stand in front of my friends and myself and present hot Spring looks. I could learn how steel grey was the chic new color and tone my abs at once-much better : )!
Monday, March 31, 2008
friend came over the mountain
My friend and her family came to visit...
in kindergarten we played together 35 days in a row and attempted to break the Guiness Book of World Records for most days played together. Still can't get enough.
I realized when you hangout with your family you return to being a kid in a bad way, with an old friend you roll back the dead skin of maturity in the best way...sharing your clothes, giving away your hair product and staying up too late chatting. All the fortress walls of middle age came tumbling and were replaced by squilling. The best vacation in the world... having a friend at home.
in kindergarten we played together 35 days in a row and attempted to break the Guiness Book of World Records for most days played together. Still can't get enough.
I realized when you hangout with your family you return to being a kid in a bad way, with an old friend you roll back the dead skin of maturity in the best way...sharing your clothes, giving away your hair product and staying up too late chatting. All the fortress walls of middle age came tumbling and were replaced by squilling. The best vacation in the world... having a friend at home.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
stages of going to bed
DENIAL AND ISOLATION
first child screams...I am not going to bed...leave me alone!
ANGER
I am so mad! Don't tell me to go to bed! Child kicks daddy in the balls and breaks mommy's nose.
BARGAINING
If you let me stay up I will brush my teeth without tearing your hairout in the morning.
DEPRESSION
Going to bed makes me and teddy bear sad. Can we at least have our Prozac first?
ACCEPTANCE
Teddy and I are much more relaxed now. Can we have a tucky and kiss kiss?
first child screams...I am not going to bed...leave me alone!
ANGER
I am so mad! Don't tell me to go to bed! Child kicks daddy in the balls and breaks mommy's nose.
BARGAINING
If you let me stay up I will brush my teeth without tearing your hairout in the morning.
DEPRESSION
Going to bed makes me and teddy bear sad. Can we at least have our Prozac first?
ACCEPTANCE
Teddy and I are much more relaxed now. Can we have a tucky and kiss kiss?
Friday, March 21, 2008
babysitter's beamer
My husband and I both drive Honda's. Do you think it would be wierd if we asked our college coed babysitter to borrow her BMW for us to go out on date night tomorrow night?
Monday, March 17, 2008
have you seen my brain?
Tonight as my husband sagged into our bedroom...
he questioned tersely..."have you seen where the kids put my tie stays?"
I responded in kind... " have you seen where the kids put my brain?""Little boy number 1 hid it somewhere about 5 years ago, it is grey matter and squishy and it was creative and effectively processed information."
"If you happen to step on it or find it in the playroom please put it on the stand next to the front door, next to my keys."
he questioned tersely..."have you seen where the kids put my tie stays?"
I responded in kind... " have you seen where the kids put my brain?""Little boy number 1 hid it somewhere about 5 years ago, it is grey matter and squishy and it was creative and effectively processed information."
"If you happen to step on it or find it in the playroom please put it on the stand next to the front door, next to my keys."
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Candidate Perfect Storm
All us underepresented discriminated against individuals should just get together and create the dream candidate perfect storm...
a female, senior citizen, who is .4 % latina, .3% black, .1% american indian, .1% white, .1% asian, who is also a bisexual, HIV positive crossdresser, survivor show alumni-that has to capture a bit of the whole pot.
a female, senior citizen, who is .4 % latina, .3% black, .1% american indian, .1% white, .1% asian, who is also a bisexual, HIV positive crossdresser, survivor show alumni-that has to capture a bit of the whole pot.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Fantasy Shopping
Today I engaged in my favorite sort of shopping...Fantasy Shopping.
When I fantasy shop I pretend I have all the money in the world and I can purchase whatever I dream of. I actually put down the credit card on impulse purchases that would match both my fantasy home and lifestyle...large pieces of furniture, glamorous gowns, opulent jewelry. Then...for some reason I cannot get the item home.
Alas, all gets returned. It is awesome!
When I fantasy shop I pretend I have all the money in the world and I can purchase whatever I dream of. I actually put down the credit card on impulse purchases that would match both my fantasy home and lifestyle...large pieces of furniture, glamorous gowns, opulent jewelry. Then...for some reason I cannot get the item home.
Alas, all gets returned. It is awesome!
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Mommy Match Madness
Making Mommy friends is like playing the dating game...
Remember the board game from when we were teenagers, you would open the little plastic door which revealed a potential mate...
In mommyland you open the minivan door and honk, honk see what is inside...
It's very difficult to find a match as the paremeters for success grow more complicated. Unless everything cosmically aligns the chemistry is just not there.
Too pretty
Too rich
Works to much
Doesn't work at all
Too unkept
Feeds their kids too healthy
Feeds their kids not healthy enough
Too susy homemaker
Too messy and chaotic
Emotionally unstable
Too numb
Too good of a mommy
Too involved in school
Too indifferent
Too earnest
Talks about the kids too much
Too clueless about the kids
Has the kids in no activities
Has the kids overcommitted
Too many kids
Too few kids
Kids are different ages
Kids are different sexes
One or both kids is off the wall
Not intellectual
Too intellectual
Too fit
Too much of a gossip
Too organic
Feeds the kids only processed foods
No sense of humor
Too liberal
Too conservative
Lives in the land of make believe
Too conventional
Too sorority girl
The husband is too interested
Too nuerotic-nehhh...I love nuerotic
Not nuerotic enough
Yeah, it can be tough for us mommies everything has to be just so.
Please add to the list
Remember the board game from when we were teenagers, you would open the little plastic door which revealed a potential mate...
In mommyland you open the minivan door and honk, honk see what is inside...
It's very difficult to find a match as the paremeters for success grow more complicated. Unless everything cosmically aligns the chemistry is just not there.
Too pretty
Too rich
Works to much
Doesn't work at all
Too unkept
Feeds their kids too healthy
Feeds their kids not healthy enough
Too susy homemaker
Too messy and chaotic
Emotionally unstable
Too numb
Too good of a mommy
Too involved in school
Too indifferent
Too earnest
Talks about the kids too much
Too clueless about the kids
Has the kids in no activities
Has the kids overcommitted
Too many kids
Too few kids
Kids are different ages
Kids are different sexes
One or both kids is off the wall
Not intellectual
Too intellectual
Too fit
Too much of a gossip
Too organic
Feeds the kids only processed foods
No sense of humor
Too liberal
Too conservative
Lives in the land of make believe
Too conventional
Too sorority girl
The husband is too interested
Too nuerotic-nehhh...I love nuerotic
Not nuerotic enough
Yeah, it can be tough for us mommies everything has to be just so.
Please add to the list
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
parenting roulette
Welcome to the Parenting Game Show...
Tonight we have a tremendously naive and very excited Mommy to be...
Mommy SPIN THE WHEEL of progeny fortune...
Choices...
ADHD
Autism
Downs
Car Puker
Unnamed mystery disorder
Pick your disorder
Manic Depression
Serial Killer
Cheerleader
Tourettes
And as a very special take away for playing 735 sleepless nights!
All this might be yours!
Tonight we have a tremendously naive and very excited Mommy to be...
Mommy SPIN THE WHEEL of progeny fortune...
Choices...
ADHD
Autism
Downs
Car Puker
Unnamed mystery disorder
Pick your disorder
Manic Depression
Serial Killer
Cheerleader
Tourettes
And as a very special take away for playing 735 sleepless nights!
All this might be yours!
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Saturday, March 1, 2008
disorganizational consultant
I have finally heard my calling...
I am becoming a DISORGANIZATIONAL CONSULTANT I am so excited!
The business will be called...
COMPLETE CHAOS
instant disorganization!
Visualize it and it will happen..
I imagine myself arriving at my first clients. I am a complete chaotic mommy mess, hair a frenetic nest, breath of sewage, sporting stained, mismatched tattered clothes and -one broken stiletto and one old converse hightop-both from eras best forgotten. My unzipped handbag will be overflowing with wipes, diapers and half opened tampons. A muffin top will be bursting the dam of my jeans. My client... my fantasy doppelganger will be 10 years my junior and embody a living Ice Queen. Glacial, serene and a terrifying beauty she will be adorned in a cream custom tailored designer suit. Her dangerous glossy nails enveloped in a pristine french manicure and her hair will float in shiny golden sheeves. Ice Queen's smile will glare sparkling piano keys. Her pristine exterior will veil matching undergarments without holes. Her beige penthouse will peer out to an endless monotone frightening blue skies.
In my minds sleepy eye... in the background roll in dark thunder clouds, 3 tornados, a hurricane and a hail storm and a giant penthouse splashing tsunami wave as my adorable beeming trusty, crusty lil helpers- ages two and five storm Ice Queen's beige Penthouse. On their lil bodies hang tattered torn dirty Target duds. Their greasy locks assunder and their faces a collage of crusted boogers, dried goldfish and scary koolaid they will chant.
Your house is sweet,
we want a treat
at making disasters we will not be beat!
Go mess go!
Intensely ambitious my team of impossibly experienced and professionally accredited disorganizers-will immedietely begin work before Ice Queen even greets us. As I try to lounge on her couch, my feet carelessly staining her beige carpets my little men will begin tearing down her posh drapes, smashing her glass coffee table to bits and knocking priceless sculptures and luminscent vases onto her hardwood floors-stomping them to pieces to make sure all the glass is 100% shattered. Living plants will spill their foliage and dirt creating irreparable damage to valuable area rugs and then they will tirelessly sneeze snotty yellow goobers and finger paint them with great fine motor skills into rare rugs. They will pry open her Channel makeup and write I love you Ice Kween on the drapery in lipstick. They irrigate her laptop with coffee and hurl her precious iphone in the toilet-flushing til it overflows. Exhibiting super tot effort my lovely assistants will tilt over large bookshelves, creating a mini earthquake shaking the highrise and sending tenants fleeing.
Tireless, my disorganizers will not consider their job complete until they have pooped and peed in multiple locations-for an extra fee they will also vomit 2 days worth of pasta with marinara sauce-WITH MARINARA SAUCE, I SAID WITH MARINARA SAUCE onto expensive imported from France upholstery.
Ice Queen will begin to melt as life has never felt this supremely out of control. In one vibrant kinetic finale they will assault her- smashing open pricesless Cabernet as they do cartwheels from her pearl toned sofa to her mohair armchair.
The contents will spew like fireworks that stain. Kackling with glee the little tyrants will rip her tiffany diamonds from her lobes and hurl them into the heating vent. They will scratch her face with their dirty sharp nails and assault her porcelein skin with their tiny fangs. Alas, her hair a matted mess, her makeup smeared and running, desperately hungry and needing to pee she will say to the tiny terrors..."you are so sweet, come give me a hug...I love you so much!" Exhausted the the disorganizing team will curl up in her lap and she will smile serenly, a piece of yesterday's pizza hanging from her lips. Finally the adorable little cuties will slumber in peace. 2 boring hours later they will rouse and start all over again.
Ice Qcream will never be the same.
I am becoming a DISORGANIZATIONAL CONSULTANT I am so excited!
The business will be called...
COMPLETE CHAOS
instant disorganization!
Visualize it and it will happen..
I imagine myself arriving at my first clients. I am a complete chaotic mommy mess, hair a frenetic nest, breath of sewage, sporting stained, mismatched tattered clothes and -one broken stiletto and one old converse hightop-both from eras best forgotten. My unzipped handbag will be overflowing with wipes, diapers and half opened tampons. A muffin top will be bursting the dam of my jeans. My client... my fantasy doppelganger will be 10 years my junior and embody a living Ice Queen. Glacial, serene and a terrifying beauty she will be adorned in a cream custom tailored designer suit. Her dangerous glossy nails enveloped in a pristine french manicure and her hair will float in shiny golden sheeves. Ice Queen's smile will glare sparkling piano keys. Her pristine exterior will veil matching undergarments without holes. Her beige penthouse will peer out to an endless monotone frightening blue skies.
In my minds sleepy eye... in the background roll in dark thunder clouds, 3 tornados, a hurricane and a hail storm and a giant penthouse splashing tsunami wave as my adorable beeming trusty, crusty lil helpers- ages two and five storm Ice Queen's beige Penthouse. On their lil bodies hang tattered torn dirty Target duds. Their greasy locks assunder and their faces a collage of crusted boogers, dried goldfish and scary koolaid they will chant.
Your house is sweet,
we want a treat
at making disasters we will not be beat!
Go mess go!
Intensely ambitious my team of impossibly experienced and professionally accredited disorganizers-will immedietely begin work before Ice Queen even greets us. As I try to lounge on her couch, my feet carelessly staining her beige carpets my little men will begin tearing down her posh drapes, smashing her glass coffee table to bits and knocking priceless sculptures and luminscent vases onto her hardwood floors-stomping them to pieces to make sure all the glass is 100% shattered. Living plants will spill their foliage and dirt creating irreparable damage to valuable area rugs and then they will tirelessly sneeze snotty yellow goobers and finger paint them with great fine motor skills into rare rugs. They will pry open her Channel makeup and write I love you Ice Kween on the drapery in lipstick. They irrigate her laptop with coffee and hurl her precious iphone in the toilet-flushing til it overflows. Exhibiting super tot effort my lovely assistants will tilt over large bookshelves, creating a mini earthquake shaking the highrise and sending tenants fleeing.
Tireless, my disorganizers will not consider their job complete until they have pooped and peed in multiple locations-for an extra fee they will also vomit 2 days worth of pasta with marinara sauce-WITH MARINARA SAUCE, I SAID WITH MARINARA SAUCE onto expensive imported from France upholstery.
Ice Queen will begin to melt as life has never felt this supremely out of control. In one vibrant kinetic finale they will assault her- smashing open pricesless Cabernet as they do cartwheels from her pearl toned sofa to her mohair armchair.
The contents will spew like fireworks that stain. Kackling with glee the little tyrants will rip her tiffany diamonds from her lobes and hurl them into the heating vent. They will scratch her face with their dirty sharp nails and assault her porcelein skin with their tiny fangs. Alas, her hair a matted mess, her makeup smeared and running, desperately hungry and needing to pee she will say to the tiny terrors..."you are so sweet, come give me a hug...I love you so much!" Exhausted the the disorganizing team will curl up in her lap and she will smile serenly, a piece of yesterday's pizza hanging from her lips. Finally the adorable little cuties will slumber in peace. 2 boring hours later they will rouse and start all over again.
Ice Qcream will never be the same.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Interviewing Mommy
Today I interviewed a new babysitter or shall I say... she interviewed me. I forgot that hiring a sitter is akin to dating. She arrived 10 minutes early and the house was a scary chaos-complete with a bra dangling from the stairs-no, I did not remove the bra mid stair-it only made it halfway down the stairs when I hurled it-50% closer to the laundry room. She walked in and blinked back and forth at me and at The giant flat screen with perfect doll like blue orbs and stated that she had a Vegan baked goods company and that she pursued when the stars felt properly aligned -for now, she could not bear to be seperated from little ones. She also said she did not believe in TV or Baby Einstein, as if they were religions. We also do not attend the church of Baby Einstein however when I am near my breaking point I do sometimes worship the TV in adoration.
I told her that I used to have an organic kids clothes business but now I have sold my soul to the devil and only sell clothes which are toxic in exchange for the opportunity to buy diapers and get the occasional highlight. The blue orbs blinked...I asked her if she minded cooking... she gazed terrified at the packaged precooked bacon in the neon packaging in the fridge. Yes the blue orbs seemed to imply but only Seaweed and Kimchi. Hmmmmm...she told me she had a few other families she was meeting and she was very busy but she would e-mail me...you know like a bad first date...don't call me I will call you.
I told her that I used to have an organic kids clothes business but now I have sold my soul to the devil and only sell clothes which are toxic in exchange for the opportunity to buy diapers and get the occasional highlight. The blue orbs blinked...I asked her if she minded cooking... she gazed terrified at the packaged precooked bacon in the neon packaging in the fridge. Yes the blue orbs seemed to imply but only Seaweed and Kimchi. Hmmmmm...she told me she had a few other families she was meeting and she was very busy but she would e-mail me...you know like a bad first date...don't call me I will call you.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
I have to go potty!
No not baby-Me, while I am on the phone-this year I am trying my hardest not to go potty while chatting up my friends or some poor receptionist at the Drs office. Ugh...yes, on the 16th at errrrr.....8:30AM.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Oscar Night
Oscar night is so much simpler since we had the kids. It is so easy to know which movie I want to win-THE ONE I SAW (usually there is only one)! Maybe I need to TIVO this years friggin Oscars and save it to watch one year from now since thanks G-d for Netflix by then I may have actually seen some of this years winners. That is if call seeing the first 19 minutes and 22 seconds of any movie, seeing a movie. That is my average movie at home average pass out time.
Mommy Mud Wrestling
I am painfully bored of the existing school fundraisers. How about something aggressive and exciting us mom's can really go wild for...
MOMMY MUD WRESTLING!
That is right imagine the possibilities...
You pick a mommy to wrestle and any staff member of your choosing or a friend can match you up. The ring side seats will fill in no time-whatever the price!.
C'mon mommies let's get dirty :)
MOMMY MUD WRESTLING!
That is right imagine the possibilities...
You pick a mommy to wrestle and any staff member of your choosing or a friend can match you up. The ring side seats will fill in no time-whatever the price!.
C'mon mommies let's get dirty :)
Thursday, February 14, 2008
heart shaped poo!
This morning I awoke to the 3 men in my life Snap-my husband who is probably about to snap from the pressure of dealing with all of us and not doing anything he really wants, Crackle-the big boy and little Pop-I mean poop. Alas, I had gotten a little something for everyone so they would feel loved-they responded with a chorus of complaints. Finally, I asked where is all my mommy valentine booty to whine about. Little poop smiled up at me and pointed to his diaper. Such a sweety... when I went to change him there was a giant chocolate colored poop in the shape of a heart! So thoughtful-just what mommy wanted for valentines. I feel so loved. Hopefully, your day is filled with chocolate safer to eat!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Formulating children's class
Whooo Hooo one of my very favorite parenting exercises-trying to selectively choose who will be in your child's class for the coming year-I love all the jockeying and whispering-the excitement of who got what-all the intellectual, artistic and mysterious concentration worthy of formulating an expensive wine or a fine scent. The lightening bolt hit-CAN I ACTUALLY CHOOSE INSTEAD WHICH KIDS AND PARENTS I DON'T WANT IN MY KIDS CLASS? Sure, I love our friends-they are kind, funny and sweet and we would peacefully enjoy catching their snotty colds all next winter but not nearly as much as we would love not to have to interact with some of the others. Really the school should hand out a form titled who has been a complete pain in your ass last school year? Please list in order of priority from 1 to 5 your preference to not be together.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Any food restrictions?
The other day a friend invited us to dinner-she was kind enough to ask...
Does your family have any food restrictions? Actually, we have a very specific day by day regimen.
Mondays we eat a strict Gluten free diet and the entire family is lactose intolerant-please provide us with the necessary medicine to not fill your house with gas.
Tuesdays we follow the Hindu dietary restrictions and myself and one of my sons do not eat meat. My husband and my other son are nut intolerant between the hours of 12PM and 9:17PM
Wednesdays we all drink only alcohol and abstain from eating any food substance save for Life Cereal smashed in little bits.
Thursday we keep kosher but we do eat bacon but only raw bacon.
Friday we eat only fruits and nuts and dirty socks
Saturdays we are vegan with the exception of sushi made of live baby lambs.
Sundays we eat vegetarian out of the house but in the house we eat everything we can get our hands on.
Thanks for having us over...we cannot wait to come!
Does your family have any food restrictions? Actually, we have a very specific day by day regimen.
Mondays we eat a strict Gluten free diet and the entire family is lactose intolerant-please provide us with the necessary medicine to not fill your house with gas.
Tuesdays we follow the Hindu dietary restrictions and myself and one of my sons do not eat meat. My husband and my other son are nut intolerant between the hours of 12PM and 9:17PM
Wednesdays we all drink only alcohol and abstain from eating any food substance save for Life Cereal smashed in little bits.
Thursday we keep kosher but we do eat bacon but only raw bacon.
Friday we eat only fruits and nuts and dirty socks
Saturdays we are vegan with the exception of sushi made of live baby lambs.
Sundays we eat vegetarian out of the house but in the house we eat everything we can get our hands on.
Thanks for having us over...we cannot wait to come!
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
ENRICHMENT!
ENRICHMENT! The nebulous group of activities our children partake in after school is a freakin MISNOMER. It should actually be called EXHAUSTMENT because that friends is the true point! When evaluating whether to send ones child the big question is if blank amount of cash is worth exhausting your little one that amount. Is the activity truly exhausting enough? This is the big question! Alas it is named enrichment because it very much ENRICHES all those who offer enrichment to your children. They make big cash on the concept that you will do just about anything to push "childcare" or your lack of needing to provide care to your child a bit deeper into the waning hours!
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Mommy Code of Ethics
Every subculture sports its unspoken code of conduct and mommyhood is no exception
For those of you not in the cognescenti LISTEN UP!
1. Never, ever, ever, ever steal someones babysitter!
2. Do not ask anyone for their sitters number unless you are in a dire dire emergency requiring immediete hospitalization.
3. Do not diagnose other peoples children (even if they are diagnosable and their mother is also diagnosable.)
4. Do not breastfeed without modesty infront of your friends husbands. Whether or not you are receiving dairy farm subsidies from the government is irrelevant to a man. What you see as a future organic milk business he still sees as a gigantic HOOTER.
5. Do not get all needy when a mommy does not return your phone call immedietely. You know darn well why any mommy did not return your call! HELLO...EXHAUSTION!
6. Do not write thank you notes! Think how many horrible thank you writing nights mommy's could save if we could drop this tired victorian tradition-okay, this is not really on the list but I hate them and this is my only platform to spew my personal BS!
For those of you not in the cognescenti LISTEN UP!
1. Never, ever, ever, ever steal someones babysitter!
2. Do not ask anyone for their sitters number unless you are in a dire dire emergency requiring immediete hospitalization.
3. Do not diagnose other peoples children (even if they are diagnosable and their mother is also diagnosable.)
4. Do not breastfeed without modesty infront of your friends husbands. Whether or not you are receiving dairy farm subsidies from the government is irrelevant to a man. What you see as a future organic milk business he still sees as a gigantic HOOTER.
5. Do not get all needy when a mommy does not return your phone call immedietely. You know darn well why any mommy did not return your call! HELLO...EXHAUSTION!
6. Do not write thank you notes! Think how many horrible thank you writing nights mommy's could save if we could drop this tired victorian tradition-okay, this is not really on the list but I hate them and this is my only platform to spew my personal BS!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Mommy Food Pyramid
THE MOMMY FOOD PYRAMID
PIZZA-all mommy's should eat 5 servings of pizza a day
SWEDISH FISH-eating your colors especially neon ones is a very important part of the diet. Swedish Fish provide a healthy (gag me) rainbow assortment.
CHOCOLATE CANDY BARS WITH NUTS-We prefer the expensive boutique kind that burn a scary hole in your already empty wallet.
COCA COLA The real old fashioned sugary kind.
COFFEE This caffeinated blitz is an imperative for any mommy! Be sure to down at least 6 cups a day! With the big grains of brown sugar.
PIZZA-all mommy's should eat 5 servings of pizza a day
SWEDISH FISH-eating your colors especially neon ones is a very important part of the diet. Swedish Fish provide a healthy (gag me) rainbow assortment.
CHOCOLATE CANDY BARS WITH NUTS-We prefer the expensive boutique kind that burn a scary hole in your already empty wallet.
COCA COLA The real old fashioned sugary kind.
COFFEE This caffeinated blitz is an imperative for any mommy! Be sure to down at least 6 cups a day! With the big grains of brown sugar.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Working Hard
A modest (socially but not economically) mommy friend came over to our new house in the hood. As she graced our door flitting to her Honda chariot waiting to transport her magically back to her megamillion mansion she said..."We have worked really hard for everything we have." Well, I thought..." we have worked really hard for everything we don't have!" We are really proud of what we haven't accomplished and we have achieved so little economically all on our very own. All by ourselves we have selected to spend our intelligence and creativity just so. Isn't it a completely impressive waste of potential? We may set up our own little live museum of individuals who have topped out in graduate school. Do you think anyone would come to visit? Do you think we can make money? We sure could use it!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
This freakin happy kid
Shocking Truth! I am a mother to what appears to be one of the happiest little elfs on the block. Granted since he is only 2 so we don't realllllly have any clue what awaits us. Alas this is not boasting as there is no one, including yours truly nuerotic, that can fathom how I birthed this undiscovered, serene, mini incarnation of the Dalai Pajama. Even my closest friends exclaim lil snide remarks ..."How can it possibly be these children are YOURS?" They act as if the ZEN karma of the cosmos have been tossed assunder and that poetic justice has failed when they see myself pure chaos and disorder in the company of lil misters grace and perfection. Finally, yesterday it hit me. The kids are sooo freakin happy because they have a lil brother support group... AGAINST ME!
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Diagnosable Mom Group
Deep thought has lead me to one conclusion... my absolute gating mechanism for mommy friends is they need to be totally diagnosable. If not, they bore me to death. All you completely sane girls (you know who you are!) kindly step aside. I have special affection for totally insane ones that have no clue their reality takes a left from planet earth.
The following are sought for a new mommy group meeting on TwoHeadedMommy.
Obsessive Compulsive Mommy Disorder
I especially love mommy's with OCMD. Life with kids can be totally chaotic so a really predictable mommy that runs like a Swiss clock is a strong bonus for the group
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Mommy Disorder
ADHMD mommies are an electric contribution to any mommy group. They are the disco ball in the Pottery Barn reality of mommyhood. They also come in handy with any Y chromosome kids in your pack. Let the ADHMD's do the chasing while you nurse your soy latte.
Multiple Mommy Personality Disorder
Given the limited time mommy has to socialize multiple personalities is an extremely efficient answer to diversifying any time crunched mommy's social group. Think about the economics...one number to track, one email, less kids to watch but the fun of many friends. Multiple Personalities is any intelligent mommies choice!
Addictive Personality Mommy Disorder
As many mommies are too exhausted to actually run any spreadsheets on their relationships it is excellent to have some of these mommies around. Once you get them hooked on giving you their sitters, maids, freebies you are set up with resources for life. Before they get into Mommy Rehab anyway. Then they need to cut out all the mommy enablers in their life. Boo Hoo!
Hypochondriac Mommy Disorder
These mommy's are invaluable as anytime you wonder if you need to take junior to the Pediatric MD (throat clearing) money vacuum. As on cue they are always willing to support your nuerosis. This perfection embodied a doppelganger mommy in dark irrational thoughts regarding juniors unexpected cough. Definitely keep this ones number.
Co-Dependent Mommy Disorder
This one is so perfect it defies the need for explanation. It is pristine in its mathmatical purity-she wants to bit%6 about so and so you want to B*4cH about this that...PERFECT!
Finally, we love mommy's with any disorder but frankly if you are totally everyday normal mommy with a perfect past TwoHeadedMommy will probably find you insanely boring.
Go get diagnosed girlfriend so we can hangout and have some fun :) !
The following are sought for a new mommy group meeting on TwoHeadedMommy.
Obsessive Compulsive Mommy Disorder
I especially love mommy's with OCMD. Life with kids can be totally chaotic so a really predictable mommy that runs like a Swiss clock is a strong bonus for the group
Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Mommy Disorder
ADHMD mommies are an electric contribution to any mommy group. They are the disco ball in the Pottery Barn reality of mommyhood. They also come in handy with any Y chromosome kids in your pack. Let the ADHMD's do the chasing while you nurse your soy latte.
Multiple Mommy Personality Disorder
Given the limited time mommy has to socialize multiple personalities is an extremely efficient answer to diversifying any time crunched mommy's social group. Think about the economics...one number to track, one email, less kids to watch but the fun of many friends. Multiple Personalities is any intelligent mommies choice!
Addictive Personality Mommy Disorder
As many mommies are too exhausted to actually run any spreadsheets on their relationships it is excellent to have some of these mommies around. Once you get them hooked on giving you their sitters, maids, freebies you are set up with resources for life. Before they get into Mommy Rehab anyway. Then they need to cut out all the mommy enablers in their life. Boo Hoo!
Hypochondriac Mommy Disorder
These mommy's are invaluable as anytime you wonder if you need to take junior to the Pediatric MD (throat clearing) money vacuum. As on cue they are always willing to support your nuerosis. This perfection embodied a doppelganger mommy in dark irrational thoughts regarding juniors unexpected cough. Definitely keep this ones number.
Co-Dependent Mommy Disorder
This one is so perfect it defies the need for explanation. It is pristine in its mathmatical purity-she wants to bit%6 about so and so you want to B*4cH about this that...PERFECT!
Finally, we love mommy's with any disorder but frankly if you are totally everyday normal mommy with a perfect past TwoHeadedMommy will probably find you insanely boring.
Go get diagnosed girlfriend so we can hangout and have some fun :) !
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Civic Perspiration oops Inspiration
I sadly do not often think of myself as civic minded. Alas, I am thrilled to have completed my first and possibly last volunteer deed this year. I actually cut my hair and donated the excessive inches to charity for wigs...not my head hair girls...my armpit hair. I am thrilled to provide my sweaty lil partners a very meaningful second life. I wonder how the wiry lil dudes will enjoy their fabulous new life style in the public eye. The total glamour of being primped, blow dried and curled. I probably will not recognize them if I see them. On a higher level... I want to urge all you other hairy moms out there to stop feeling ashamed and take your lack of personal care to another level. Those armpit hairs can mean alot to someone.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Mommy Vomit Bag
Packing The Diaper Bag...
When packing ones camper van-I mean diaper bag please do not forget THE MOMMY VOMIT BAG. This is to protect you not from you or your child's regurgitated meal but the emotional vomit of the random mommy's you meet. It is important to carry the bags with you at all times as well as a few spares. Alas, you may get hit multiple times in a single day! So, if some random women you don't know sidles up with a toddler that has dilocated her mommy's shoulder hanging off her disconnected limb and begins to spew emotional vomit at you immedietely pull out the mommy vomit bag so that it covers her mouth completely. You are saving some poor, lonely desolate women total embarassment. She will not need to go home later and say as she once did after a one night stand (in another life) WHAT DID I DO?
When packing ones camper van-I mean diaper bag please do not forget THE MOMMY VOMIT BAG. This is to protect you not from you or your child's regurgitated meal but the emotional vomit of the random mommy's you meet. It is important to carry the bags with you at all times as well as a few spares. Alas, you may get hit multiple times in a single day! So, if some random women you don't know sidles up with a toddler that has dilocated her mommy's shoulder hanging off her disconnected limb and begins to spew emotional vomit at you immedietely pull out the mommy vomit bag so that it covers her mouth completely. You are saving some poor, lonely desolate women total embarassment. She will not need to go home later and say as she once did after a one night stand (in another life) WHAT DID I DO?
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The rule of pre-school
Folks...please let me share with you a very important fact regarding sending your children to pre-school. Never, ever, ever actually go there and see what the heck is going on. Because, no matter how much the staff greets you like you are the second coming of Kermit the frog, no matter how much they tell you they are not feeding your child tree bark with bird poop icing for snack time, no matter what a glorious mini country club, spa environment it markets itself to be. It will never live up to the expectations of mommy. NEVER...EVER! Really, sending your child to preschool's expectations should be set realistically. I will hope to free my children from my boring middle aged existence for blank (your discretion) amount of time. That my friends is all one should truly hope to accomplish at pre-school. Because and I mean no offense...it is not a function of the individuals as I have been enchanted with many but the sheer reality of the situation. How can two individuals regardless of their commitment, intelligence and creativity possibly change 12 kids diapers-peep and poop included possibly multiple times, gazillions of times a day, track countless bizarre inbred illnesses, filter every known food allergy group including but not limited all beans which grow in pods below the equator also any bananas harvested before Thanksgiving and food planted by midgets.
Everytime I look at the individuals doing the task with wonder the kids even get through the day. Basically, the only true expectation we can have is that their cell phone is charged and they can call 911. Be real you take care of little kids...imagine 12 of them...YIKES! Yoga breathing...yoga breathing. So when you lil one asks what did you do while I was at school... you can say with confidence YOGA BREATHING...I DID LOTS OF YOGA BREATHING.
Everytime I look at the individuals doing the task with wonder the kids even get through the day. Basically, the only true expectation we can have is that their cell phone is charged and they can call 911. Be real you take care of little kids...imagine 12 of them...YIKES! Yoga breathing...yoga breathing. So when you lil one asks what did you do while I was at school... you can say with confidence YOGA BREATHING...I DID LOTS OF YOGA BREATHING.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Resolution
Always a proud underacheiever...I realize I am a bit tardy for NEW YEARS. Alas, I had great insight. 2008 is going to be the year of hygiene. My personal goal is to shower more then once every two weeks. At first blush this may seem absurd but admit it girls-you know who you are running to the gym, a quick finger trip to the e-mail and it is back to carpool---suddenly days go by and your body has not seen the friggin shower. For me it has gotten so bad I actually have a story in the event I am confronted---Yes, I have not showered. My lack of hygiene is a political statement. I am saving water for the environment. Thanks to me your kids may be able to drink in the future. If you cared about the future you would never bath either...so selfish of you!
I am really hopeful that I can achieve my goal. If not one of my friends joined Shower Watchers- you set a bacteria count goal for your body by specific date and check in weekly under a microscope to see if you gotten down to your personal bacteria goal. She said it has been really supportive and meaningful to be in the company of other moms who continually struggle with consistent Hygiene.
I am really hopeful that I can achieve my goal. If not one of my friends joined Shower Watchers- you set a bacteria count goal for your body by specific date and check in weekly under a microscope to see if you gotten down to your personal bacteria goal. She said it has been really supportive and meaningful to be in the company of other moms who continually struggle with consistent Hygiene.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
SUCK IT UP!
Alas, if you believe Donny Duetsch your children can be inspiration for millions. Finally my AHHHH HAAAA moment! While attempting to shovel lunch with dollface I mused if only I had a vaccum cleaner hose attachment for my nose to simply and efficiently suck food through my nostrils-I could rest assured my lunch would be eaten. Brilliant NO? Thank Goodness...there is millions to be made! How about a personal nutrient IV bag? Imagine the possibilities for quick dining. MOMMY BE HUNGRY NO MORE! Our line of products will make sure you get the vitamins you need and make carpool. Hip, fashionable and literally dripping with vitamins...YIPPY!.
Monday, January 7, 2008
TwoHeadedMommy Primaries
The big TwoHeadedMommy primary is underway and it is a tight race as to who will win...Mean Mommyhead or Nice Mommyhead.
Of course, Mean Mommyhead has more cash in the bank. She is the one always screaming "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ANOTHER SUPER HERO TOY! WHO WILL PAY FOR FRIGGIN JUNIOR COLLEGE?!?" Mean Mommyhead's cheap behavior may help out as Sweet Mommyhead sees her campaign cash supply begin to dwindle. Sweet Mommyhead had a magical holiday shopping escapade which turned $150 cash into colored plastic in just one hour-PRESTO! Impressive MAGIC Sweet Mommyhead! Now can you turn it back into cash? On the flipside, Mean Mommyhead has been instigating a meaningless little war in the house and the lil two year old has been making signs on the etch sketch "-Stop the war on daddy, Quit trying to control him for Gas Money! Find a renewable energy source!" Then again... if Sweet Mommyhead wins I am sure Mean Mommyhead would not have a problem fixing the vote. Either way if there is a Mommy president in the White House (one way our founding father's obviously did try to discourage a mommy from being president was to call the residence
THE WHITE HOUSE-what idiot mommy would ever conciously try to move into an all white house? My Gosh...with juice boxes and pizza! There is no way!
Alas, if a mommy does get elected president we can all be secure in one heartening fact---there will be zero sex scandals! In fact, we can all be rest assured there will be no sex at all. I swear your honor...I did not...
Of course, Mean Mommyhead has more cash in the bank. She is the one always screaming "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ANOTHER SUPER HERO TOY! WHO WILL PAY FOR FRIGGIN JUNIOR COLLEGE?!?" Mean Mommyhead's cheap behavior may help out as Sweet Mommyhead sees her campaign cash supply begin to dwindle. Sweet Mommyhead had a magical holiday shopping escapade which turned $150 cash into colored plastic in just one hour-PRESTO! Impressive MAGIC Sweet Mommyhead! Now can you turn it back into cash? On the flipside, Mean Mommyhead has been instigating a meaningless little war in the house and the lil two year old has been making signs on the etch sketch "-Stop the war on daddy, Quit trying to control him for Gas Money! Find a renewable energy source!" Then again... if Sweet Mommyhead wins I am sure Mean Mommyhead would not have a problem fixing the vote. Either way if there is a Mommy president in the White House (one way our founding father's obviously did try to discourage a mommy from being president was to call the residence
THE WHITE HOUSE-what idiot mommy would ever conciously try to move into an all white house? My Gosh...with juice boxes and pizza! There is no way!
Alas, if a mommy does get elected president we can all be secure in one heartening fact---there will be zero sex scandals! In fact, we can all be rest assured there will be no sex at all. I swear your honor...I did not...
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
MOMMY RECALL HAS BEEN ISSUED
BREAKING NEWS!
A number of mommies are presently under recall...
1. Brunette Mommies with a C Cup before nursing with Social Security numbers ending in 5342.
2. Redheads with Hazel eyes who never smoked pot and were born between 1669-1973 and have traveled outside the US in the past 8.3 months.
3. All mommies between 5'2" and 5'8" born within a ten mile radius of Niagara Falls on The American Side who have shopped at J. Crew.
We advise all husbands and children to drop everything they are doing this minute and see if your home contains one of these mommies. Did you not hear me the first time...Do you need me to take your big screen TV away? What about your freakin Transformer---Go get off your booty and check guys!
When initially introduced into the home the mommies were completely functional and predictable. Unfortunately, an unsettling amount of complaints regarding the mommies have been surfacing. To insure your mommy will continue functioning properly and has not been included in a recent recall go to www.recallmymommy.com and enter in your mommies unique social security number as is written on her social security card conveniently located in her wallet next to her precious $$$.
Our operators are on hand to assist you with proper recall technique in this disturbing situation.
We will keep you informed as more news updates become available.
A number of mommies are presently under recall...
1. Brunette Mommies with a C Cup before nursing with Social Security numbers ending in 5342.
2. Redheads with Hazel eyes who never smoked pot and were born between 1669-1973 and have traveled outside the US in the past 8.3 months.
3. All mommies between 5'2" and 5'8" born within a ten mile radius of Niagara Falls on The American Side who have shopped at J. Crew.
We advise all husbands and children to drop everything they are doing this minute and see if your home contains one of these mommies. Did you not hear me the first time...Do you need me to take your big screen TV away? What about your freakin Transformer---Go get off your booty and check guys!
When initially introduced into the home the mommies were completely functional and predictable. Unfortunately, an unsettling amount of complaints regarding the mommies have been surfacing. To insure your mommy will continue functioning properly and has not been included in a recent recall go to www.recallmymommy.com and enter in your mommies unique social security number as is written on her social security card conveniently located in her wallet next to her precious $$$.
Our operators are on hand to assist you with proper recall technique in this disturbing situation.
We will keep you informed as more news updates become available.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
neighbors lexxus
Yesterday my husband came home and announced that my neighbors had just bought a new LEXUS! Lucky them...
well...
my other car is a HONDA but
my childs diapers are LEXUS!
Have a sarcastic NEW YEAR!
well...
my other car is a HONDA but
my childs diapers are LEXUS!
Have a sarcastic NEW YEAR!
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